guilt, shame, and inadequacy
I have always been very hard on myself, in all things really. Grades, choices, art, outcomes. Growing up I would be very careful as I walked through life (OCD didn't exactly help with this, and I was constantly planning, checking, and ruminating about anything I felt could be important). As I’ve gotten older, I’ve ironically slipped in to patterns of impulsivity, sometimes rebelliously leaping in to things as a “fuck you” to my anxiety. Well, what I’ve learned is that in the past, this aversion to facing difficult choices and situations is always a preview to shame. The infinite amount of ways things could happen and how things could be better or worse, leads to a particular sense of worry and helplessness. Through anxious decision making, this worry transforms in to guilt, and this guilt solidifies in to shame.
One of the ways I’ve been changing my narrative around shame is by identifying what shame actually is to me. Through self reflection, I have concluded that shame is the voice of endings, and it is fueled by a feeling of inadequacy. When I feel cornered, like I am stuck in a cycle, shame creeps in. This is because shame does not consider circumstances and does not give the benefit of the doubt or offer a way out. Shame is where self esteem goes to die, and doesn’t do anything for us.
I like to think that guilt is the signal your body sends to your mind when something outside of our comfort and values happens. I’ve decided that guilt is our nervous friend that wants to make sure we do our best. And it is our job to settle this friend down, hear what they have to say, and then assure them that things will be okay. Guilt is not always correct, and is sometimes misplaced (this can be hard to navigate when you’re being manipulated, gaslit, or have been/are in an abusive environment). You have to take guilt with a grain of salt, but also question why the feeling comes up. Did you say the wrong thing? Did you misunderstand something? Did you say or do something out of character? Okay, we can deal with these things! Everything is circumstantial and we can lean in to our conscious to understand why we did what we did and decide how we want to move forward. Self forgiveness and communication with others are avenues we can take to gain our balance back. Guilt is meant to be an identifier, not a condemner. After experiencing guilt, there are steps you can take to honor the discomfort that comes from it:
Check in with yourself, discern why you feel the guilt. Sometimes we can experience guilt because we change the way we regularly do something, and change can make us feel wrong. Sometimes we experience guilt because we have wronged ourselves or others, and we want to restore harmony. Sometimes we experience guilt because we have grown up in spaces where our feelings are not validated, and we have a hard time trusting our inner compass. Ask: Where is the guilt coming from, and is it connected to something fair to you?
Take appropriate actions. This is a great time to practice that boundary muscle. Decide how you would like to move forward. How can you respect your boundaries and be compassionate towards yourself, while also doing this for others? Sometimes the answer is apologizing, allowing space, and being open to feedback. Sometimes the answer is telling the guilt that it’s misplaced, and letting it go. Sometimes the answer won’t come to you until later, so communicate that. Guilt is not forever, and your character isn’t defined by your mistakes (mistakes are inevitable), but rather by how you deal with the mistakes and move forward and learn from them. We are all learning, and you are never stuck or limited to your worst, lowest moments. I promise, everyone has a story or a regret or a problem. “Good” people do bad things, and “bad” people do good things. Don’t cancel yourself and don’t seek to cancel others. Take accountability, expect accountability. And then do better.
Let it go. Guilt that we hold on to past a period of reflection becomes shame. Shame is meant to torture. I don’t think you should be torturing yourself, bestie <3
So, shame. We use shame in our society to limit evil. We shame celebrities, politicians, historical figures. I won’t tell you to accept bullshit and wrongdoing in order to be compassionate. Some people do things that infinitely suck. Even if we can explain why someone does something we think is totally fucked up, we don’t have to accept it. I have made this boundary with others and others have made this boundary with me. In day to day things and slip ups, we can use guilt to inspire change. When guilt solidifies in to shame, it needs to be for good reason. Shame is a state of completion, and it requires an intense struggle to come back from it. Shame categorizes our past actions as totally and completely wrong, and does not provide a way out. Be so careful with where you apply shame to yourself and others. There are some things that cannot be explained away, that are inherently wrong and evil. Shame can be used to end things, use it to end bad things. Things that continuously hurt ourselves and others. Don’t apply shame where compassion should be. Although personal shame feels final, we have the agency to swap it out for love and understanding after reflection. I used to be very religious (read my “Embracing Agnosticism” post if you’re curious about where I am now). In Catholicism, there is a thing called confession. You are meant to confess your sins and mistakes to a priest in order to be absolved of them and become pure again. This practice of confessing to strangers and being hyperaware of when I would mess up (knowing I would have to spill my guts later) made life feel scary and evil for me. Although I am not Catholic anymore, the impact of that practice still effects me. When I mess up, I feel the need to fully explain it and confess it to someone. Especially to people I love and respect, hoping they will forgive me for things I struggle to forgive myself for. Merely forgiving myself can be so difficult, because skipping past the shame feels like a freebie. I feel as though I’m being dishonest if I don’t thoroughly express the ways I’ve messed up in the past. It can be exhausting and overwhelming, and definitely keeps guilt alive for longer than needed. I have had to learn how to forgive myself without receiving condemnation from strangers, and this new sense of grace for myself sometimes feels deeply uncomfortable. Telling people that they don’t have the right to condemn me or know everything about me is something that I had to learn to do and work at regularly, and because I extend grace to others I know I can require it for myself. I no longer fear hell (the Christian form of eternal shame and separation from goodness), and I no longer have anyone expecting me to beg for forgiveness. Accountability starts and ends with me, and I take it seriously because it is personal to my development as well as my relationships with others. There is no room for shame here, and it breaks my heart that so many carry it when it is not warranted, it is a heavy weight to carry alone. Please put it down, so you have the strength to cradle compassion.
I’ve noticed within myself that guilt can show up when I know better but don’t do better. How could I, after being so calculated and self aware make such a bad mistake? I believe it actually might be (according to my calculations and thorough research) because I’m a human being. If you are like me, and have struggled with letting guilt go before it becomes shame, it can be helpful to implement some preventative measures. One thing that can slow down the process of making choices that lead to guilt can be making sure that your needs are met. How many times have you popped off on someone because you were hungry? Or how many times have you been running late and suddenly feel as though everyone on the road is driving extremely slow and shouldn’t have a license if they aren’t going to drive correctly and make you late even though you woke up 30 minutes after your alarm went off? Or how many times have you been short or unresponsive when you’ve had a long day and need a nap? Just me? Maybe. Our needs have to be met, or things will feel imbalanced. For me, I know that I get hangry and so I need to have a snack or know where snacks are located when I’m about to enter a stressful situation. I also know that I have some childhood wounds that make certain circumstances or phrases or situations feel overwhelming, and so I have to communicate when I feel triggered or am feeling reactive instead of present. Our needs are important, and when they are met before we approach certain situations, we can drastically change the outcomes and consequences of them. I feel guilty when I misplace my hurt or anxiety. So I’ve used guilt to identify when then this happens, and it’s helped me immensely to see things in a clear and calm way. Usually, things aren’t that deep. And when they are, you are capable of handling it. When we see things for how they are, and give ourselves and others grace, we can let the guilt go. For example, “Maybe I wasn’t mad about that car getting in front of me and shouldn’t have honked my horn, they used their blinker and I’ve been in a situation where I’ve needed to get over in traffic. I understand. Maybe I was worried about being late, and wasn’t prepared to be set back any further. I have a hard time being perceived as unpunctual, it makes me feel irresponsible and undeserving of opportunities. I know this is irrational, and I can take steps to be compassionate to myself when these feelings come up. Next time, I will leave earlier and take a less busy route to my job, I am capable”. Problem solved, guilt over, shame avoided. Back to being your awesome, balanced self. That was a small example, but it can be applied to bigger, more complex things. Be patient with yourself.
I want you to think about all the things you could do and be if you radically forgave yourself and let go of shame. You may feel unworthy of good things if you don’t feel good, yourself. Don’t push away the love that’s coming your way because of an irrational idea that you aren’t deserving of it. Every person is. If no one has told you, I love every part of you. The good, bad, and ugly. I am honored to witness it with you.
Before we say our goodbyes, I want to talk about feelings of inadequacy. Shame robs you of the opportunity to make progress. When we misplace shame where compassion should be, we will naturally feel inadequate and helpless. You are neither. Please do not rob yourself of a learning opportunity because you feel like there is no way out or way to get better. I can guarantee you, the more you fuck up the more empathy you gain. To get to that empathy, we might feel guilt. Let the guilt go, keep the empathy. Empathy helps us move forward with love, and you are so capable and deserving of that.
I listen to and recite affirmations regularly. Some helpful ones that have helped me extend grace to myself go along the lines of: “Forgive yourself, let shit go, love those around you, love yourself, and respect your journey”. Don’t shame yourself unnecessarily, there are too many people who will learn from your journey (and even relate to it) that you deserve to meet and love. Too much love and compassion is at stake, forgive yourself.
I love you, I am with you, and I believe you are good. I accept you and see the goodness in you. Keep going.