the equation that cured my depression

I have returned from my hiatus. I was on maternity leave, taking care of my baby. Me, I am the baby. I was taking care of myself. Having tantrums, crying when I want something, and not thinking critically.

Now that I am back I want to catch you guys up on where I’m at right now. Now I know I’ve said some rather depressing shit on here, but y'all… I’m happy????? I found my bliss??? My high levels of anxiety have decimated???? I promise, I am still the girl you know and love. I’m just a million times more stable, therefore a million times more sexy.

This past semester was horrid. So many tearful days, so much anxiety, so little hope. So the juxtaposition of then versus how I feel now is magical to me. Well, it was. I have broken it down to a simple science. I want to explain what changed. I’m going to do something you’d never think I would: I’m going to explain a math formula to you. I am calling this the stability equation:

what I want + what I have to do

_________________________ = stability

what is functional

I need you STEM girlies to let it ride.

A lot of mental turmoil is due to circumstance. It has to do with where you’re living, what food you have available to you, who you happen to be around, and a lot of other moving parts. My depression developed as a reaction to my circumstances combined with a rusted tool box of coping strategies that I obtained through surviving a series of awful experiences and events. There are likely some biological or genetic connections I could make as well, but nonetheless, they are circumstantial. I, like you, am a collection of all my experiences, failures, and victories. All of these factors exist upon a foundation that is, as stated, circumstantial. What do we do when it feels like we’re stuck exactly where we don’t want to be? Huzzah! At last comes the equation.

What I want, plus what I have to do, divided by what is most functional for my life equals stability.

What I Want

What I want to do? What I want my life to look like? What kinds of people I want in my life? What kinds of foods do I want to eat?What kind of income do I want to make? What kind of choices do I want to be making?

What I Have to Do

What is nonnegotiable right now? What responsibilities are mine to carry? What bills do I have to pay? What appointments do I have to attend? What deadlines do I have to meet? What conversations do I have to have? What kind of choices do I have to make?

What is functional?

What feels good? What works right now? What can I afford to do? What is meaningful in this moment?

Okay, okay so let’s plug it in the equation. Here’s an example:

I want to have loving friendships + I have to eat three meals a day

_________________________

I can eat meals with my friends and catch up

= I am making time for my friends and eating enough throughout the day

You can never walk away from a formula without checking your work! So we retrace our steps:

1. Is having loving friendships something I really want? Yes!

2. Is eating enough throughout the day something that has to be done? Yes!

3. Is it functional to schedule lunch with a friend or maybe meet up for dinner with a group? My schedule allows that, yes!

But let’s try another one where the math doesn’t quite add up:

I want to make all As this semester + I have to spend all my time studying

_________________________

I won’t go to any social events this week and spend that time studying

= I can achieve the grades I want if I sacrifice my social life

Let’s check our work:

1. Do I want to make all As this semester? Yes, it’s an academic goal!

2. Is spending all my time studying studying something I have to do? No, not really. I could probably achieve the grades I want if I study consistently, but at scheduled times.

3. Is it functional to skip all social events I was planning on attending this week? Not exactly. When I spend too much time alone I feel depressed.

This scenario doesn’t seem like it concludes with stability. However it does provide shame, unrealistic expectations, and damaged mental health.

When we use a scale of functionality to decide what we want and need to do, we can cancel out the elements of our lives that don’t serve us.

To divide means to separate in to parts. Divide what you want to do by what you can do and let the rest take a back seat. Divide what you have to do by what best serves you and watch as you regain the stability that you so genuinely deserve. Break your circumstances down in to parts, and use the sword of functionality to slice out whatever isn’t working. When you divide what’s functional by what you want and what you need, what is left? What changes? What stays the same?

Yes, you do need to consider what you have to do when trying to accomplish what you want. That’s why they’re added together in the equation. But when we look back at all of our work, can we say with integrity that it feels good or serves our highest good?

Your life is important. The choices you make are important. Your circumstances are important. It boils down to a simple science: your desires and obligations are mixed together and prioritized by the choices you make.

There are a lot of different ways depression and anxiety manifest in our lives. The thought of challenging those big forces felt like something I could never do. But when I looked at things bit by bit, cancelling out the things that weren't working, my circumstances changed.

I want to feel good and I need to rest. When I divide, or seperate those elements in to parts, using the lens of functionality I see more clearly what steps I must take to achieve stability in those areas of life. It is functional to both tend to my basic human desires and needs.

When my circumstances felt permanent and there was no way out, I had to uproot a lot of shit. Once I noticed the pattern of cutting out what wasn’t functional was starting to make my life feel better, I realized I was greater than the circumstances I felt plagued by. As my friend Olga Maria says, “You are not the clouds, you are the whole sky”.

If you feel like you have no choice right now but to endure the worst of the worst, that might mean there are actually millions of little choices shimmering like gems beneath the dirt. Let functionally be the shovel you use to get past all the weeds. One thing about circumstances is that they are all circumstantial. Lol. You deserve to make choices that give you stability, even if that means cutting some things out. You are the constant.

That’s all I got. I love you!

sleepy girl battles perfectionism

This blog post was supposed to be about healing perfectionism and being comfortable with rest. But honestly before we get in to anything, I need to say that I’ve just found out that Roe. V Wade has been overturned by the Supreme Court. I have many feelings about this, mostly fear. I’m still processing it, I’m heartbroken, and I want you to know that there is space for you to be angry and afraid here. You can hide here until you’re ready to look at the world. I’m here with you. Contact me if needed, there is an infinite amount of space for all of our feelings in my inbox. I don’t have anything uplifting to say about this today. I just want to acknowledge it. Some day soon I will take action, right now I am choosing to mourn.

Prepare for the most ironic contrast ever, I wrote this before my reproductive rights were taken away.

— — —

I am the happiest I’ve ever been, and the most sleepy. I didn’t think those two things were meant to coexist. In the past, when I’ve been overcome with sleepiness and a lack of motivation, depression and anxiety surely was the driving force. But for the first time in my life, I am resting. This was a scary endeavor, and one that I actually didn’t plan for. I was actually ushered in to it by a painful series of wake up calls and shut downs. Last semester, my body completely gave out. I struggle sometimes with perfectionism and over working myself. Throughout my life, I didn’t feel worthy of good experiences or a positive sense of self esteem if I wasn't making the perfect grades, taking the hardest classes, being the most involved, doing the absolute most. I have always been really driven, but that can become detrimental to your mental health when that drive comes from the wrong place. I had no idea how to fail and recover. If something went wrong, I’d shut down completely. My mind would go amuck if I didn’t make the grade I wanted, or if I underperformed in my extra curriculars, or if I made any type of mistakes. This mindset led me down a destructive path headed straight for burn out. And when it happened, it happened. Last semester I went through a lot of crazy, heartbreaking, confusing, and painful shit. But I also remained very involved in school and aimed to get perfect grades, not letting my personal feelings show up in a way that made me look like I was struggling. I had this huge fear that if I had less than As on my transcript that it would mean that I was weak and let life get in the way of my success. I figured I would forget all the hardships if I just kept working. I thought, “I’m sure one day I will forget how bad I feel, and I’ll be able to look back and be proud of myself for pushing through anyways”. I carried this narrative until the very end. I finished the year with all A’s. When I type that it doesn’t feel exciting, it feels relieving. Thank god I pulled it together, right? No.

I began seeing a therapist again after some time away from counseling. I had been keeping it together for as long as I could, but I just collapsed under the weight of my accumulated sadness and confusion. I didn’t feel like myself for a long time, and the only part of my identity that I knew how to nourish and protect were the parts that I felt were “perfect”. Sure, I was crying every day, struggling to eat enough, dissociating around friends, waking up sick with anxiety each morning, feeling so exhausted I couldn’t do basic things. But, I was gonna be on the Dean’s List. I found my current therapist in the midst of this. I’ve had many therapist, none quite like this one. We will call her Sharon.

Sharon was the first person to inform me that I was worthy of things like happiness and peace, even if I made mistakes or took a break. Crazy! When I first starting seeing her, I immediately informed her of all the strategies I was using to support my mental wellness. “I go to the gym a few times a week, I do meditation, I sometimes write out my feelings, I try to socialize X amount of times throughout the week, I try to eat three meals a day (I struggled with this greatly), I do Art Therapy on myself and have a journal of my illustrated psyche, I listen to affirmations on repeat, I try to stay on top of my academics (I would cry before most classes and barely had the energy to walk across campus), I’ve done multiple modalities of therapy…none of it is really working, but I’m trying!”. Sharon asked me about my involvement in school, to which I responded with my memorized resume. She was taken back. I was used to this reaction. Usually, I got the “Wow, you’re really involved! That’s so impressive, what don’t you do?”. I always took that as a compliment. But then something unusual happened. Sharon didn't stroke my ego. Sharon actually wasn’t concerned with what I could do and what I had accomplished. This was weird for me. If I wasn’t being seen for my work ethic and accomplishments, what could she see in me? “Well, Skyler. It seems like you have a strong urgency to improve yourself. You must be really struggling”. What the fuck?

Sharon is the type of therapist to make a serious face when I try to laugh through difficult emotions. The first time I tried that, she said “I notice you’re really uncomfortable sitting in your sadness. You’re laughing, but you don’t have to”. She immediately identified that I was using a strong front as a coping mechanism for something deep within me that was highly distressing. The self help agenda I pushed myself in to, the extra work I took on, the grades I would force myself to obtain. I thought all of that was self love. Turns out, it was the exact opposite.

If you don’t love the parts of yourself that need the most nourishment and attention, the parts that are “broken” or “imperfect”, you aren’t really loving all of yourself. You love parts of yourself. I loved the parts of myself that everyone could count on, that always came through, that never stayed down for long, that always rose to expectations, that was closest to my idea of “perfection”. And honestly, it was the meanest thing I’ve ever done to myself.

— — —

I am studying to be a teacher, and in my last Education course, we learned about assessments and grading. We learned about things like assessment reliability and validity, and some of the external factors that can affect the grades students get. In previous classes, I also learned that grades don’t exactly correlate to intelligence, and that every student learns differently. We learned to differentiate lessons and how to apply the Universal Design for Learning, and learned ways to identify students’ needs, natural interests, and personal academic challenges in a way that fosters a growth mindset. We learned the impact of writing letter grades in red ink across a student’s work, or drawing smiley faces on their tests with no additional feedback. We learned that students need detailed information and responses to the work they spend time completing. Writing a simple A+ on an assignment isn’t enough. Neither is writing a simple F. Students deserve feedback and grace on the work they complete, to help them gain knowledge and true confidence in regards to what they are learning. Once children believe they can’t get better or be more challenged by something, they fall in to a fixed mindset. It is very hard to learn, grow, and extend compassion to yourself and others from this headspace. Through my education, I have a fundamental understanding that our academic performance should never be the defining quality of students, nor should it undermine a person’s ability to learn and grow. Grades give us information, not the whole story.

The more I learned about this, the more passionate I grew about busting out of the chains of perfectionism. I will never minimize my students to the grades they receive, so I will not be doing that to myself. Through therapy, I am continuously learning to deconstruct my relationship between academics and self worth.

— — —

Sharon once explained accomplishment to me in a way that I had never thought of it before. She said, “Accomplishing things is reaching achievement. When you pass a class, you accomplished something. You’ve done what you needed to do to get to the next thing”. I sat in silence and shock for a moment. Was she insinuating that all my hard work was for nothing, that an A didn’t mean anything? She said, “Making a grade that gets you on to the next thing, that’s accomplishment. Rather that’s a higher level class or a diploma. You can get those things just by passing, even if you don’t earn an A. Passing is a great thing, that is accomplishment”. I was floored. I had been on autopilot, seldom giving myself grace when I needed it the most. I didn’t know how to be proud of myself for accomplishing things, not unless I did them perfectly. I didn’t realize you could set your own level of accomplishment. Actually, I did know that, but I didn’t know how to be comfortable without setting my self standard as “high” as possible. I explained to Sharon my way of thinking. “I think of my future as a dart board. What if I don’t hit the bulls eye? I don’t know what I’d do. So I just throw handfuls of darts at the board until it’s completely covered. If you do everything, you can’t miss out on anything. If I want to have a successful future, I have to keep throwing darts”. To me, making an A wasn’t just about mastering academic material. To me, making an A was directly tied to my sense of worth. If I got below the highest mark, then that meant I was a failure. I thought that if you failed, then you let yourself down. And if you let yourself down, you must not love yourself. This problematic and unhealthy way of thinking wired my brain to be on autopilot. I felt almost robotic. Sure, I was sobbing while writing essays. But I wrote them in the perfect format, made every point I could, and followed the rubrics I was given intensely. I would have to fall in to a different headspace to get things done. This emotional contrast between my depression/anxiety with my perfectionism was absolutely exhausting. It got to the point where I didn’t want to go to class. I couldn’t pay attention because my thoughts were so loud. I was always on the verge of tears. I didn’t have the energy to leave my bed. And would a perfectionist skip class? No. Who was I becoming? I had to ask for accommodations, for more time to complete assignments and projects. I had to send email after email explaining how I felt ill and couldn’t come in. I began to laugh blankly around friends, completely checking out. All I knew how to be was a student. But I didn’t realize how much more there was to me. There was so much that deserved to be nurtured during that time.

I am creative and sensitive and analytical and funny and insightful and compassionate and loving and I love arts and crafts and I love taking slow walks and I love looking at trees and I love putting my hands in rivers and I love hugging the people I love. And a lot of other things. I am so much more than a machine who can write good essays and do well on tests.

I had a friend (Hi, Kierra! I love you.) say to me in fall semester that I was a perfectionist. I laughed at the time. It was an art class, Drawing, and we had this quiz. We had the option to take it twice if we got below a C on it the first time. I procrastinated studying for it (something quite common, ironically, for perfectionists). So when I had the quiz in front of me, I felt really anxious. I had learned all this stuff before, I knew the answers were somewhere within me. I felt unprepared, but I knew I wasn’t going to fail. I had gotten used to that feeling. Lived for it, actually. No matter how bad a situation was, I knew I would come out on top. There didn’t seem to be any other option really. I think I could have gotten a C on that quiz, but I wasn’t sure and the idea of that scared me. So, I turned in a mostly blank quiz, and took a failing grade. This meant that I’d have the chance to retake it. Instead of trusting myself to prepare for a quiz, trying my best, and accepting whatever came of that, I took a different path. Procrastinate, sabotage, try again until perfect. I chose the path of suffering. Because it was what I was used to. I could have gotten a fine grade without suffering, but that never felt right. Later after class, I told my friends that I had sabotaged the quiz. The same friend who first noticed my perfectionism spoke up again! “Girl, it is just a quiz!”. She didn’t say this in a condensing way, but in a reassuring way. It wasn’t like, “Get over it, this isn’t a big deal”. It was more like, “This is a quiz, not a measurement of your worth”. One time during a critique in this same class, I made a comment about how I didn’t like my final piece or something about how it wasn’t good enough. And this same friend told me, “Your work is fine, I notice you start to sabotage yourself and be really self-critical when you think your work isn’t perfect”. She also said something similar when I was turning in my final portfolio. I was nervous for hours about what grade I would get. I had cried on the phone with my advisor, I had spent hours re-documenting and editing work, I basically memorized the rubric. When I got to class I told Kierra how worried I was, that I didn't know if I’d make an A. I didn't think my work was good enough, and I didn’t feel like my portfolio looked perfect. I knew what she was going to say. During that class I got my grade for the portfolio. I got an A. I sighed with relief and told my friend. She said, “See! You worried for nothing!”. I smiled and laughed and felt happy. But the thing is, her entire statement resonated in a way I didn’t realize. I’ve worried for nothing. Not, all my hard work was pointless and I shouldn’t have been so stressed. Not, See! You always pull through, great job. It was simply, you have destroyed yourself for something that, compared to your immense and immeasurable worth, is beyond miniscule. What if I had enjoyed making all of my projects, documented them with pride, and submitted them in to my portfolio. And what if I had still made an A, and what if I didn’t? Would a grade less than an A change anything about my beautiful, personal, and creative art? No. I love how I create artistic concepts. I am always proud of my artist’s statements. I love sharing my work with my peers, even if it’s still developing. I love art. In art school, sometimes your love for art isn’t the most important, but rather your ability to create based on rubrics and prompts, as well as your application of critique feedback (which you receive all. the. time.). People outside of the art realm don’t always understand that being an art student is sometimes a sacrifice for creative people. As creatives, we are naturally inclined to let our minds run free and we alchemize our thoughts and experiences in to things other people can perceive. It is incredibly vulnerable work, and as students this vulnerability is sometimes associated with your academic performance. Many times, it will require you to bring your most fragile parts out in front of a room of strangers. The challenge of art school is keeping a passion for your work, while constantly subjecting it to criticism. Art school is not about getting a pat on the back for your creativity. It’s about pushing your mind further and further until you can think of something original, yet personal. And we are all just human, and there are very few original experiences. Creativity isn’t just a tool for art, it is a goal we must reach as artists. So, based on those terms and conditions, if a professor looked at my work and decided it was not A material, how much would that truly matter? Was I not a good artist if another artist didn’t think my art was good? Most of the artist we’re forced to learn about were hated during their time, their work criticized, mocked, hidden away. Hell, I look at some historic art and think “That’s ugly as hell”, but that ugly ass art has been preserved for decades and now I know countless facts about it. What I’m getting at, is that similarly to creativity, there is actually no standard for perfection. Perfection actually does not exist. A life spent trying to appeal to something that does not exist or really matter, is a life spent bypassing the opportunity to experience the beautiful realities of our existence. Part of being human is trial and error, making mistakes, laughing deeply, loving endlessly, creating just for fun, and doing what feels good. And we’re all just human. What a shame it would be to despise and neglect the very things that makes us who we are.

So, where am I today? In bed! I applied for multiple summer internships, made a list of things I wanted to study for the summer, planned out the art I needed to make. And y’all, I am in bed. I have spent this summer taking my meds, sleeping, talking with my therapist about literally any thought that enters my brain, eating delicious things, laughing with my friends, free style rapping in public with said friends, looking at the trees, and falling in love. Many of these things are immense privileges in our world. Everyone deserves to get the care that they need and have time to look at the trees.

As I fell in to my era of hibernation, leisure, and marathon mistake making, I felt lost. What the hell am I doing? I told Sharon one time that I had made “minuscule and almost unrecognizable progress” in regards to something. And she heard me out, laughed, and told me, “That’s pretty big stuff to me. I don’t think any of this is minuscule, and I can see your progress”. So, I don’t like to downplay shit anymore. Y'all! I am resting every day, and learning to love myself when I can do nothing but exist! I am discovering that my worth is in no way tied to what I can do, what I have accomplished, or any future success I may obtain! This is big stuff, and it looks like laying under my fuzzy blanket and watching Real Housewives of Atlanta. Perfect is not a destination I’m interested in getting to anymore. But self-compassion, acceptance, inner peace, balance, and joy. Now, those are worth the work. Even if that work means no work at all.

This summer I am hibernating. And when I have the energy, I’m finding a grassy meadow and laying in the sun. Exactly as I am. Because right now, I need to rest. And I’m pretty damn good at that.

I love you, please take a nap and delete Blackboard off your phone,

Skyler

— — —

I’m so glad I’ve been hibernating because I need absolutely all the energy within me to fight against the patriarchy in the coming days, weeks, months, and years. I’m resting right now, but I am not quitting. I know I’m tired of it, which is why today, I rest.

pouring out my feelings for you— a written hug for my readers.

Last night I had a moment where I felt completely swallowed by stress, unknowns, and hypotheticals. I woke up this morning with an emotional hangover, unsure of how I would take on the next 24 hours. So I took a shower, called my mom (who literally stopped what she was doing and drove up to my university with my dad (on the icy interstate after a fucking snowstorm) just to give me a hug), made myself some oatmeal with blackberries, had water, completed a task, and did some meditation. And while I feel that the waters have certainly settled, I realized in this dance of self regulation and self care, that what I was doing was detaching from my thoughts and leaning in to the body and observing my emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. And in this, I was talking to myself in the way that I would a child. “Let’s get ready for the day and have a warm shower”, “Let’s have some breakfast, let me add some cinnamon on top of your oatmeal, I know you love that”, “Let’s ask mom what she thinks”, “Let’s watch a show while you eat and after try and start on a task”, “Let’s have quiet time”. I was speaking to myself in a way that is gentle and kind, and allowing myself to prioritize my immediate needs. One of my biggest sources of peace is the way that the inner voice of kindness speaks to me. So, I thought to myself how much I wanted to talk to you all in the same way, and give you a warm hug and soft pep talk if you need it. This entry doesn’t offer any analytical insight or recollection of what’s already passed in my life. I want to take a break from that today and focus on what feels good, and give that to you. After all, this is “Love Letters For My Friends”, and helping you all to feel safe and loved is the foundation of all that goes on here.

So, prepare to be hugged (consensually and virtually):

Dear friend,

In all of the days you have lived not one has gone by where you haven’t been a manifestation of love. Whenever you wake up, you rise to the occasion of the day. Rather that be from your bed, from your job, from your classes, from your living room. You have showed up today and the world is better off because of it. Each breath you take is your body inhaling hope and purpose. You are purposeful, you are important, you are beautiful in more ways than you could ever ever ever imagine. Those who get to encounter you on a regular basis are touched beautifully by your influence. Remember that in the present there is solace, in the next moment there is the present again— waiting for you to just be. You are so widely beyond enough. The way your body takes its shape and navigates through the world is so amazing. Never feel that who you are is anything less than a creative expression of all the universe has the potential to be. Every angle of you is magnificent, I am in immense awe of how we all fit in to each other’s lives. If you have ever spoken to me or given me a glance or even just been in the same room as me, you have made a true mark on my life. We are all artists of each others lives, adding color to one another the more we interact. Thank you, genuinely, for the art you’ve given me by existing as you are.

How you feel is so important, and simultaneously, we can put our feelings down when they are too heavy to carry. Give your arms a rest, come be held by my words. Know that to your core you are good. Believe that every layer you’ve had to take on to exist in the way you do today is a part of your story. And while you may perceive yourself one way, and others may perceive you another, and you may perceive others one way or another, just know that it is a gift to even be encountering each other like this. From the depths of my heart, thank you so much for letting me see you, for letting my words enter your mind, for letting me know you. I read somewhere that in order to be loved, we must first be known. If we have ever had a conversation, the parts of you that I’ve gotten to know are reasons to love you! There are infinite reasons to love you, and each new part of you that I get to see affirms that. You are lovable, it’s so insanely nonnegotiable.

Your mind, your heart, your body, your soul. All so important to the make up of your existence. Take care of yourself in the best way you know how. Your value is steadfast and consistent regardless of anything you could ever do or say or accomplish. If you have ever felt unseen, unloved, misunderstood, know that I am here to listen and learn about all of the things you wish someone knew. Your feelings, the things you love about yourself, the things you are fascinated by. Those are all so wonderful to me, and my contact page is always open if you just want me to know something. I promise you are interesting, I promise you are complex, I promise you are layered. You are worth being known. You are worth being cherished. You are worth being accepted. Forgive yourself immediately for all the reasons you could think of that could make that untrue.

Allow animosity to evaporate from your life like rain after a storm. You are free, you are no burden, you are worthy of a new start.

As a reminder, don’t ever let the way someone treats you determine a single thing about your worth. Don’t ever let what you’ve done in the past rule over what you do today. You get to keep going, you get to keep being amazing, you get to keep attracting things and people in to your life that reflect how great you are. Don’t settle, don’t take shit, stay true to your feelings. You have boundaries that deserve to be honored, and the people who are worth your time and energy will want to respect you. I am so sorry if you have ever had your boundaries violated or minimized. I respect you and am always wanting to know how I can best show you that. You can absolutely require this from everyone in your life.

I accept you for who you are. No matter what has happened in your life to make you doubt that how you exist in this present moment is anything less than miraculous and brilliant, I believe to my core that you are special.

I said earlier that in order to be loved we must be known, and while that is true, I encourage you to know that you don’t have to be known by all to be worthy. Rather you are loved widely by many or deeply by a few, know that I fall in to both categories when it comes to you. Even if I haven’t gotten the chance to know you, understand that I’m always excited at the opportunity to. To get to know you would be an honor. I want to learn all the ways I could possibly love you.

You are lovely, you are magnificent, you are inherently significant.

I say all this with a warm hug, with a soft smile, with a fascinated glance. Friends near and far, new and old: reach out if you need a reminder of how important you’ve been to me (I love to write letters doing this very thing, we can be pin pals <3 )

I don’t play about mine, and I mean that with full sincerity and unconditional love. Walk in your worth today and every day.

love is freedom

Disclaimer: I usually don’t name drop on here (because this is MY diary duhhh), but for this special post, all the people I mention have given me their consent to use their real names. Where names are omitted, I didn't hear back in time and wanted to make sure everyone felt safe and respected. I still love them very much lol.

Content warning: Religious trauma

This past semester, I had kind of a rough go at it. I have never had to ask for as much grace than I have over the last few months. A lot more “Can I have more time?”, “Can we talk about this later?”, “Can I leave early? My head’s not in it”. These are all real ways I’ve had to ask for freedom within my life as I’ve processed grief, burn out, and self-reflection. I have never been challenged so often and so intensely. And what I’m experiencing, I believe, is the hard part growth. The dawn of a new phase, hopefully a joyful one. This very necessary step in learning to love myself and others in a way that is reflective of my values. As I find myself with these new tools and mindsets and opportunities to show myself how I’ve healed, I have pondered time and time again the true goodness that is found within elasticity and grace. The ability to be all encompassing, with all my shortcomings and potential simultaneously within me at all times. I have grown a deep appreciation for freedom, the space to just be with no expectations or restrictions. I have fallen in love with the feeling of freedom within my friendships and day to day interactions. The sensations that come with having and affirming my boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others. In that sweet spot of freedom is where I’ve done the most healing and produced the most grace for myself and others. I believe the most important thing I have learned from everything recently is this simple truth: Love is freedom. True love is the freedom to mess up, to be great, to say “No”, to say “Yes”, to be unsure. It’s a requirement for unconditional love, the opportunity for choice. The safe space to have needs and have them met. Freedom is what we are all entitled to, and should never limit in one another. I’ve spoken before countless times about unconditional love on here, but the bridge to that, I have learned, is the total acceptance and encouragement of freedom. I have been pondering these thoughts again and again for a few weeks.

I was specifically contemplating why it hurt so bad to experience things like rejection and loss. The grief that comes with those things sets you up to really reflect on how you can honor the choices and feelings of others. I was curious about what could come through my heart when I let myself sit with that. I have written (in a scattered fashion) in my notes app:

“the freedom piece”

“people should leave your life when they feel unhappy, and you are responsible for no one’s happiness. it is never personal, you love for as long as it makes you happy. and then remember that love is abundant and will always find you. it is not restricted to one person or one group of people or one thing or one concept. love is always, and happiness is something everyone deserves to have. want happiness for others and yourself. give people the freedom to find their happiness, and cherish those who find happiness in you, and you in them.

love to me is freedom. it’s, “i’m here with you, on purpose, by choice, and i’m bringing my whole self”.

I’ve had the opportunity over the last few months to study this, to reflect on it. And whatever is divine above has shown me a few things.

As you all may know, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my faith and old religious practices and its connection to my own personal freedom and the ways I felt unfree and the ways I made others feel the same while I was in the Church. I’ve been grieving, mourning, apologizing, rebuilding. I’ve been spending time with the beautiful people of WELCM (Winthrop Ecumenical Lutheran Campus Ministry (I am very much not Lutheran and continuously ponder my relationship with religion (more on that at another time), but randomly (serendipitously) have a very special relationship with these people)). But, let me give some context on how I even wound up in this campus ministry (among other things) and how they’ve been affirming my feelings about how love is freedom, by loving me unconditionally through this season of change.

I was scrolling on Instagram and saw a flyer for a meeting hosted by WELCM. It said, “Join us for our gathering tonight. Dinner in the Prayer Garden at 6, followed by a conversation on Healing Religious Trauma”. Bingo. I cancelled my plans for the night, I was going. I thought, “This is what I’ve needed all year”. About a year ago, I posted an article on here called “Embracing Agnosticism” (huge title for very fresh feelings, but very proud of myself for using the words that resonated with me at the time). A lot of those feelings are still true, some of them have changed. When I reread it I feel the freedom I gained from posting something I knew could disappoint people, but would bring me peace within my grief. There is nothing like losing your religion to keep yourself and maintain your values. Leaving was the ultimate test of this “God” I knew and their “unconditional love". Could I still be loved and respected even after saying “No”? Even after I couldn’t wear the title of “Catholic”? Even after denouncing the very thing I advocated for, for years? I must admit, I left a lot out of that post. I knew there were things I had experienced and absorbed that were not okay, but it was all very fresh for me. I didn’t want to speak badly about the Church or my friends or my old beliefs. I still didn’t feel free yet, and in some ways I still don’t. A lot went through my mind while I was writing that post. Would I be damned for leaving? Was I crazy? A disappointment? A sinner, too weak to maintain my religious responsibilities? Would there be understanding for my disbelief and anger? Would I have the freedom to leave, and the space to come back if I chose to? It was the ultimate question I had always had but was afraid to ask: Was my faith an embodiment of free will and boundless love, or something I was using to control and limit myself and others?

Since that post, I’ve been in this season where I’ve had my religious ideology completely uprooted (My friend (and campus minister), Olga-Maria, says that’s natural. Something about my prefrontal cortex, something about abstract ideas, something about religious trauma). If you’ve known me for a while you may know that I used to be a pretty devout Catholic. Like, converted on my own will. Wouldn’t ever miss mass. Had rosaries everywhere. Always talking, reading, thinking about God and how “Jesus came down to save us from sin and while he was here he established a church, the Catholic Church, of which I am apart of and which is the way to Heaven”. I did not embrace freedom ever. I knew I had free will but I knew there were dire consequences for making the wrong choices…so free will honestly felt irrelevant to me. The person I was within Catholicism did not know what unconditional love was and did not even value freedom. I would throw phrases around all the time like “God loves you unconditionally”, while mentally judging myself and others, feeling a pit in my stomach when I fell short of the standards I thought I had to adhere to, being afraid of damnation for myself and others. I confused the pursuit of perfection as “devotion”. I talked to a priest a long time ago and he said something along the lines of “People think living in sin is what freedom feels like. No, that’s what being a slave to sin feels like. People aren’t free when they sin, people are free when they can see how sin holds them hostage”. When I first left Catholicism, I had to completely reevaluate what “sin” even was. Was I holding shame for things that were completely normal? What had I been suppressing for all that time? What was true and what had been spiritual manipulation? I had no idea. For the first time in my life I had all this freedom and this new thing called “life experience”, and I was slowly putting down my fears of sin and damnation and failure to see what it felt like to feel whole. I wanted to embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I really wanted to see what would be left when I did. What parts of my life could offer me freedom? Surely, that’s where the love was.

So, I go to WELCM, and to my surprise my friend Crystal is there. I met Crystal in a drawing class, and we’d met for lunch and traded Catholic school war stories. I told her how I was still hesitant about going in churches and didn’t really know what I believed. I remember saying how I chose to convert on my own will and how that had kind of fucked me up. Crystal has been apart of WELCM for a while, but she never really mentioned it to me or urged me to come. I later found out this was because she didn’t want me to feel forced in to a campus ministry. She wanted me to have space, to not feel like I had to think or feel a certain way about religion while I was processing everything, she understood what that meant for me. And when I came on my own, she expressed how happy she was that I had come, on my own will. And while I was there, she made me feel so welcomed and validated. I went for healing and healing was waiting for me, with no expectations or judgments. I hadn’t ever really experienced that. My presence at WELCM was an embodiment of my own choices and feelings, and didn’t come about because of any outside pushes. Truly, I was so used to being pushed in to religious spaces and ideologies that this freedom felt especially sweet. Crystal tells me all the time, “You don’t have to be a certain way for me, or hide your feelings about anything. I’m not that type of friend”. Crystal embodies unconditional love, freedom. Thank you, Crystal. For showing me that I can bring my whole self to places I used to be afraid to even show my face in.

Now, at WELCM there’s a diverse range of people with one common goal: being. I am rather new to the group, but instantly felt resonance with everyone on that first night. These people around me, under these fairy lights in this garden behind this little white house next to this old church. They were all there with me, witnessing me trying to just be. After the year I’ve had, I came with all my armor on. I didn’t want to be converted in to another religion. I didn’t want to have to explain away my identity. I didn’t want to be given an opportunity for repentance. I didn’t want to hear sappy Hillsong music and have an “Ah-ha!” moment. I didn’t want a “Prodigal Son” or “lost sheep returns to the flock” moment. I didn’t want a come to Jesus celebration, I just wanted to be understood. So, I took a leap of trust. “I don’t really know how I feel about God or Jesus right now. I just know losing my religion feels like I divorced someone and now they’re seeing other people and those other people don’t know how screwed up my ex is. Like, I want to warn people but they look happy. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe I’m crazy for leaving. I still love him, but I can’t see him the same”. I laughed as this analogy fell out of my mouth. What was I saying? Skyler, you don’t know these people. This is a campus ministry. But, I looked around at these people and there was not a single look of disappointment or judgment. Just a lot of nods and smiles and laughs, even a few yeahs. What was this? Did I just confess to feeling grief about something I knew was best to let go of, with laughter? And was this okay? Olga Maria, in her goodness and assertiveness, tells us (and continues to tell me), “I have no agenda for you all”. She also says, “We don’t do that “Good Vibes Only” thing here. This space is safe, safe enough for us to bring our whole selves. Our bodies, our minds, our feelings. I’m sure in the past you were taught not to listen to your body and mind and feelings, to be out of your body so that you questioned nothing. Not here”. I think about that all the time. I was so desperate to find answers, of why I couldn’t accept my old religious ideologies anymore. I felt so lost and outcasted. I worried so often that me not having all of this figured out would make people mark me as “ex-Christian” and that all the assumptions around that would cover up my true intentions. I just wanted to love unconditionally, I just wanted freedom. I followed God and was lead out of my Church. And all of a sudden, I was here.

Before I decided to convert in to Catholicism, my friend (more like guardian angel/soul sister/role model/god parent) would go with me to any church I wanted. I told her one day that I wanted to take my faith seriously, that it was my responsibility to get to mass, to study the Bible outside of my Catholic school. I wanted to stop treating my faith like another thing I was studying and integrate it in to my lifestyle. Now, my friend (I still feel super cool that I get to call her that, star struck actually) is kind of the best person in the world, and took me under her wing when I was 14. She has seen me say and do some crazy stuff, but with no judgment. She’s always supported me in everything, while giving me advice to guide me through. She has always taught me how to trust myself, and to rebuke people who (to put it bluntly) try to fuck with my well being. That meant that when I came to her about my religious journey she was never going to stir me a certain way, but she would drop little hints to remind me of my power in moments where I would leave my body and mind to follow religious ideologies out of fear. She has always just wanted me to be happy, and to give me freedom. And also, she has always shown up for me. She was at mass, she was at the church, she was at my school. She was there watching and advocating, being a witness to something I didn’t even know I’d need to process later. She has protected me for as long as I’ve known her, and even in those days of my deep religious turmoil, she would always urge me to follow my intuition. I wasn’t doing much of that those days. We never had the religion talk, I just assumed she was a devout Christian (she’s not lol) because ever since I met her I would just go on and on about my faith or this sermon I heard or this church I visited blah blah blah. She would always just talk with me, meet me at church. Go with me to Bible studies. Come to my weird ass school events and ceremonies. She was even at my CONFIRMATION AND BAPTISM. Like, this woman sat in a Catholic Church on a Sunday night, watching me devote my life to the Church (and made sure to text me right after when the priest had made an insensitive remark during the sermon about the BLM protesting happening right outside the church building. She made sure that I didn’t push it down, how those remarks made me feel. She made sure that I didn’t let the emotions of joining the Church distract me from my values and boundaries. I didn’t realize it but that really kept me in my body and stopped me from suppressing another heartbreak in the Church. I left the Church months later when I finally let myself feel all of it). She endured the candles and incense and all. Never complained or judged me. She pondered all my religious questions with me. She would never tell me what to believe. She never had any agenda for me. She just knew that for whatever reason, Skyler was becoming Catholic and it was important to her (it was, in more ways than I could have predicted). It wasn’t until THIS past Summer that she finally told me, “Skyler, I’m not even religious. I was just supporting you”. She also says, “I knew you would find your way, and that you needed to see it for yourself. I know the kind of person that you’ve always been, and once you got to college that a lot was going to change for you. I wanted you to have the chance to learn and grow.” She also says, “You’ve been thinking about really big and complex things for a long time. Now, please, just think about how you like your coffee. Let’s think about what Skyler likes, who Skyler is. The small things that make you who you are, those are important, too”.

She was there when I converted, she was there through the grief, she was there through the exit. And she’s still here. I’ve never had to be anything other than Skyler, and she’s fought so hard to protect that in me. Through everything, she preserved “Skyler” by keeping me grounded. My little curiosities and huge meltdowns, have never been too small or too big. I’ve just always had the freedom to fuck up, and still have someone think I’m good and destined for good things. Someone who will say, “Screw those people, you’re great”. It’s meant the world and it’s been my saving grace.

The last example of love being freedom for me comes from my new friend, Courtney. Courtney and I met the second time I went to a WELCM gathering. Again, I was just saying stuff. “Why do we need churches? So many churches are corrupt and end up hurting people, why is the standard for communities like ours the embodiment of an institution?”. Y’all, I’m really pushing myself at this point. I’m telling myself, “Don’t be afraid to say the wrong thing. No one is offended by your curiosity or your anger. You are safe enough to have these thoughts and to say them. We can do something with this church hurt, but first we have to let out the hurt”. Courtney says calmly with all the grace in the world, “We are the church. Wherever you go, you are an embodiment of the church. It’s not the building or the institution, those things will go away. It’s about us”. Well, at this point I’m thinking, “I can’t be the Church. I left the Church, and I don’t even believe in this shit anymore”. I let myself think, and really observed what was going on in my body. A new trick I’ve been practicing.

My intuition wakes up, she’s saying “You don’t have to go back to the Church. You don’t have to ignore your anger. You don’t have to have all the words. You are churching. You are sitting with people talking about divine things, and saying what is on your heart. Perhaps there is church inside of you, and perhaps it does not look like a building or a religion or a Catechism. You are scared because you have freedom. We can put that fear down now”.

New words come to me. I am the church? I am the church. Maybe, I am here as a testament to the “unconditional love” people were always talking about. Me, people like me. We’re proof that there is still purpose and divinity outside of the Church, outside of the institutions. If my anger and my questions and my freedom to leave the Church are to serve any purpose, it is to be an example that without freedom there is no love, and without love there is no point. I followed where love lead, and I am always free to do that. Take it from me, on the other side of fear is the safety net of unconditional love. It may not be found in your church or your school or your home or your family or your job or your religion. But it’s out there in the world, just waiting for you with arms wide open. If you feel afraid to leave something that is hurting you, know that the feelings telling you that you deserve better don’t lie. You are allowed to want freedom, your soul deserves it. When I exercise my freedom, I can expand and break open limiting spaces and make room for the unconditional love I’ve always deserved and wanted for people, wherever I go. That is “church” to me. Hallelujah.

I say all this to encourage you to take freedom when you find it. And to express how important it is to protect that in others. That’s how I got my life back, trusting that freedom was mine to have, and having people who loved me through each stage of realizing it. And I want that so badly for anyone who desires it.

Freedom exists in the little things. Let’s give each other the freedom to bring our whole selves in to the world. To mess up, to be great, to deconstruct, to rebuild. That is the point of life. We can’t rob each other of our lives, we dehumanize each other when we make our restrictions and expectations the standard for everyone we encounter. We have to let each other learn, and love each other through it. Give grace when people are late, their time on Earth is their own. Give grace when they take a while to text back, we are not prisoners to each other. Give the benefit of the doubt when there’s a misunderstanding, people are allowed to mess up and so are you. Let people come and go, everyone deserves peace within the company that they keep. Instead of wishing I was a certain way, and expecting others to adhere to an unfair standard in my head… I’ve adopted a simpler mindset: Love is freedom.

I love you, be free. I’d want the same for me.

getting engaged to myself

I have this beautiful ruby ring that I bought for myself last winter as a gift for surviving my fall semester of college. I stalked this ring for a couple weeks, going to the jeweler’s display at the local Saturday market. I wanted this ring but didn’t know if it would be stupid to splurge on it. Then one Saturday morning, I woke up early and got myself to the jeweler’s stand (I’d messaged her earlier that week asking her to put the ring aside). I wouldn’t consider myself a very materialistic person, but this ring is one of my favorite things I’ve ever owned. I usually wear it on my ring finger, and it serves as a little reminder that I am with myself for the long haul. After the seasons I’d been through, I looked at the ring as a visual testament to my self love journey. In marriage, you commit to someone and do all you can to support them, love them, and grow with them. I decided that I wanted to have that level of devotion for myself. The ring opened up this new mindset for me. I deserve to stick beside myself, and I needed to stop abandoning myself. I didn’t know how, but I was going to start being more intentional about the marriage between my mind and my actions. Giving myself this ring pushed me in to an engagement, where I was preparing to commit to myself in a way I hadn’t before. Even just wearing the ring allowed me to speak to myself in a kinder way. When I wear my ring I have to actively assess how I’m treating myself. If I’m having a rough day, I’m going to be patient with myself and do what I can to make things easier on my mind, body, and soul. If I would do it for someone else, why the hell wouldn’t I do it for myself? The marriage you have with yourself will be your longest, most intimate relationship. Throughout the seasons that I’ve had this ring, I have experienced pain, loss, and every emotion under the sun. But here I am, still with myself. 

As much as I love this ring, sometimes it gives me so much anxiety! If I take it off to wash my hands and leave it somewhere my heart beats a little faster until I remember where I put it. Sometimes the fear of losing the ring outweighs my desire to even wear it. It makes me think of how often the fear of making mistakes and leaving things behind stops me from embracing life in a loving way. It also reminds me of how often I hold on to things that cause me anxiety just because they hold sentimental value to me (including people). As much as I enjoy having the ring, I now can honor my marriage without it. Sometimes we need a visual representation of the things we keep in our hearts and minds. I knew I wanted to feel cherished, understood, and supported. And the beautiful lesson that the ring taught me is that I always have access to that within myself. Each day when I wake up, I get to be there for myself. It is my greatest honor and highest responsibility, taking good care of myself. 

Making my mind a safe space has been crucial. If you had a partner or friend or family member who was going through a tough time, would you really tell them to get over it or suck it up? Or abandon them in their moment of need and vulnerability? I wouldn’t. So I started changing the way I spoke to myself when I was going through difficult things. I stopped limiting how much I could cry, and I stopped holding shame for the moments when I did. I started challenging my inner narrative (thank God for my therapist for teaching me how to do this in the most loving yet firm way possible. She was literally like “Are these narratives you’re telling yourself really true or even fair to you?” AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE). I started letting myself challenge my anger and my pain and the way it showed up in my life and relationships. Asking myself, “What really hurts about this? What belief are you carrying that’s stopping you from making the most loving solution for yourself? What is this teaching you?”. I stopped seeing difficult situations as punishments, but instead catalysts for understanding and compassion that I could extend to others through a refined sense of empathy. I began to trust that I could let go of control, that I could make my own boundaries and only allow people in my life who honored them and let those who didn’t act how they wanted, but far away from me. This helped me to be more intentional about respecting and learning the boundaries of others, because I know that being a good friend and a good neighbor means showing up for others in a way that makes them feel supported and cherished, and I know how good it feels to do that for myself. I grew to understand the ways I’d been sabotaging myself, and began taking steps to embrace the life I deserved. My relationship with myself is completely my responsibility, and I choose to be an active participant in pouring in to it. 

I’ve noticed within myself that I tend to over explain, which is an indirect tactic to seek validation about my thoughts and ideas from others. Being a friend to myself has meant taking small risks to stop doing this. I am beginning to have more trust in myself, as I would in anyone I love and respect. I didn’t like the fact that I felt confused so often, and was relying on people who sometimes didn’t have my best interest at heart to tell me how I should perceive things. I knew my morals and values, I tried my best, I was doing what I could to be kind to myself and others. Yet, I still felt that I came up short. I didn’t know what to do when people didn’t like me or talked about me. I didn’t know how to handle different manifestations of rejection. I took it personally when people would mistreat me or didn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved. But then, I took a step back. I began to observe that I was actually attaching my worth to people and things that were not consistent or good hearted, and that I was behaving in a way that aligned with the false belief that life would always be dysfunctional, and that I would never reach a point where I felt that I was enough, and so I was acting accordingly. When I realized that I had been operating with that narrative, I completely broke down. And through this breakdown, I was able to start from scratch and start building the woman I was meant to be. But it wasn’t easy or pretty or fun. In fact, it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Everyday I would fall apart, wondering why I felt so alone and lost. It honestly felt like I was living my life and then one day someone picked me up and dropped me in to an alternate universe where everything was fucked up. I had suddenly lost friends that I thought I’d never lose, I was behaving in ways that I’d never behaved before out of anger and hopelessness. I was staying in bed, trying to piece together who I was, and there was no one there to help me figure it out. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I needed all of it. I’ve written about it before, but over the summer my life changed drastically. No one will ever know the full extent to what I experienced through that brutal season of growth, but I witnessed it in myself. I had to be on my own to learn to validate my own feelings and experiences. I had to learn not to abandon myself, and I learned that loving yourself is not always daisies and roses. But most importantly, I learned that you have to love yourself through absolutely everything. True and good change does not come through hating yourself. Your soul operates through love, and that is why it hurts so much when people (including yourself) are unloving towards you. When you have a relationship with anyone, you don’t just embrace the good parts of them, you embrace all of them. Same. Goes. For. You. You don’t get to reward the best parts of yourself and leave the broken parts to rot. You deserve more than that. You deserve to mend your wounds and to be loved all the way through. 

So, I say all of this to say that there is purpose in being on your own. There is a reason why we come in to the world by ourselves and why we leave the world alone. This body is a vessel for growth, the fabric of the universe is love. Our souls marry our bodies, and our hearts officiate it. Honor yourself, this relationship doesn’t end. Be kind to yourself, the world is not always the most loving place, yet you are an infinite source of love and goodness. That is your power, that is your task. To love and be loved. Start with yourself. 

Love you all, take good care. 

guilt, shame, and inadequacy

I have always been very hard on myself, in all things really. Grades, choices, art, outcomes. Growing up I would be very careful as I walked through life (OCD didn't exactly help with this, and I was constantly planning, checking, and ruminating about anything I felt could be important). As I’ve gotten older, I’ve ironically slipped in to patterns of impulsivity, sometimes rebelliously leaping in to things as a “fuck you” to my anxiety. Well, what I’ve learned is that in the past, this aversion to facing difficult choices and situations is always a preview to shame. The infinite amount of ways things could happen and how things could be better or worse, leads to a particular sense of worry and helplessness. Through anxious decision making, this worry transforms in to guilt, and this guilt solidifies in to shame.

One of the ways I’ve been changing my narrative around shame is by identifying what shame actually is to me. Through self reflection, I have concluded that shame is the voice of endings, and it is fueled by a feeling of inadequacy. When I feel cornered, like I am stuck in a cycle, shame creeps in. This is because shame does not consider circumstances and does not give the benefit of the doubt or offer a way out. Shame is where self esteem goes to die, and doesn’t do anything for us.

I like to think that guilt is the signal your body sends to your mind when something outside of our comfort and values happens. I’ve decided that guilt is our nervous friend that wants to make sure we do our best. And it is our job to settle this friend down, hear what they have to say, and then assure them that things will be okay. Guilt is not always correct, and is sometimes misplaced (this can be hard to navigate when you’re being manipulated, gaslit, or have been/are in an abusive environment). You have to take guilt with a grain of salt, but also question why the feeling comes up. Did you say the wrong thing? Did you misunderstand something? Did you say or do something out of character? Okay, we can deal with these things! Everything is circumstantial and we can lean in to our conscious to understand why we did what we did and decide how we want to move forward. Self forgiveness and communication with others are avenues we can take to gain our balance back. Guilt is meant to be an identifier, not a condemner. After experiencing guilt, there are steps you can take to honor the discomfort that comes from it:

1. Check in with yourself, discern why you feel the guilt. Sometimes we can experience guilt because we change the way we regularly do something, and change can make us feel wrong. Sometimes we experience guilt because we have wronged ourselves or others, and we want to restore harmony. Sometimes we experience guilt because we have grown up in spaces where our feelings are not validated, and we have a hard time trusting our inner compass. Ask: Where is the guilt coming from, and is it connected to something fair to you?

2. Take appropriate actions. This is a great time to practice that boundary muscle. Decide how you would like to move forward. How can you respect your boundaries and be compassionate towards yourself, while also doing this for others? Sometimes the answer is apologizing, allowing space, and being open to feedback. Sometimes the answer is telling the guilt that it’s misplaced, and letting it go. Sometimes the answer won’t come to you until later, so communicate that. Guilt is not forever, and your character isn’t defined by your mistakes (mistakes are inevitable), but rather by how you deal with the mistakes and move forward and learn from them. We are all learning, and you are never stuck or limited to your worst, lowest moments. I promise, everyone has a story or a regret or a problem. “Good” people do bad things, and “bad” people do good things. Don’t cancel yourself and don’t seek to cancel others. Take accountability, expect accountability. And then do better.

3. Let it go. Guilt that we hold on to past a period of reflection becomes shame. Shame is meant to torture. I don’t think you should be torturing yourself, bestie <3

So, shame. We use shame in our society to limit evil. We shame celebrities, politicians, historical figures. I won’t tell you to accept bullshit and wrongdoing in order to be compassionate. Some people do things that infinitely suck. Even if we can explain why someone does something we think is totally fucked up, we don’t have to accept it. I have made this boundary with others and others have made this boundary with me. In day to day things and slip ups, we can use guilt to inspire change. When guilt solidifies in to shame, it needs to be for good reason. Shame is a state of completion, and it requires an intense struggle to come back from it. Shame categorizes our past actions as totally and completely wrong, and does not provide a way out. Be so careful with where you apply shame to yourself and others. There are some things that cannot be explained away, that are inherently wrong and evil. Shame can be used to end things, use it to end bad things. Things that continuously hurt ourselves and others. Don’t apply shame where compassion should be. Although personal shame feels final, we have the agency to swap it out for love and understanding after reflection. I used to be very religious (read my “Embracing Agnosticism” post if you’re curious about where I am now). In Catholicism, there is a thing called confession. You are meant to confess your sins and mistakes to a priest in order to be absolved of them and become pure again. This practice of confessing to strangers and being hyperaware of when I would mess up (knowing I would have to spill my guts later) made life feel scary and evil for me. Although I am not Catholic anymore, the impact of that practice still effects me. When I mess up, I feel the need to fully explain it and confess it to someone. Especially to people I love and respect, hoping they will forgive me for things I struggle to forgive myself for. Merely forgiving myself can be so difficult, because skipping past the shame feels like a freebie. I feel as though I’m being dishonest if I don’t thoroughly express the ways I’ve messed up in the past. It can be exhausting and overwhelming, and definitely keeps guilt alive for longer than needed. I have had to learn how to forgive myself without receiving condemnation from strangers, and this new sense of grace for myself sometimes feels deeply uncomfortable. Telling people that they don’t have the right to condemn me or know everything about me is something that I had to learn to do and work at regularly, and because I extend grace to others I know I can require it for myself. I no longer fear hell (the Christian form of eternal shame and separation from goodness), and I no longer have anyone expecting me to beg for forgiveness. Accountability starts and ends with me, and I take it seriously because it is personal to my development as well as my relationships with others. There is no room for shame here, and it breaks my heart that so many carry it when it is not warranted, it is a heavy weight to carry alone. Please put it down, so you have the strength to cradle compassion.

I’ve noticed within myself that guilt can show up when I know better but don’t do better. How could I, after being so calculated and self aware make such a bad mistake? I believe it actually might be (according to my calculations and thorough research) because I’m a human being. If you are like me, and have struggled with letting guilt go before it becomes shame, it can be helpful to implement some preventative measures. One thing that can slow down the process of making choices that lead to guilt can be making sure that your needs are met. How many times have you popped off on someone because you were hungry? Or how many times have you been running late and suddenly feel as though everyone on the road is driving extremely slow and shouldn’t have a license if they aren’t going to drive correctly and make you late even though you woke up 30 minutes after your alarm went off? Or how many times have you been short or unresponsive when you’ve had a long day and need a nap? Just me? Maybe. Our needs have to be met, or things will feel imbalanced. For me, I know that I get hangry and so I need to have a snack or know where snacks are located when I’m about to enter a stressful situation. I also know that I have some childhood wounds that make certain circumstances or phrases or situations feel overwhelming, and so I have to communicate when I feel triggered or am feeling reactive instead of present. Our needs are important, and when they are met before we approach certain situations, we can drastically change the outcomes and consequences of them. I feel guilty when I misplace my hurt or anxiety. So I’ve used guilt to identify when then this happens, and it’s helped me immensely to see things in a clear and calm way. Usually, things aren’t that deep. And when they are, you are capable of handling it. When we see things for how they are, and give ourselves and others grace, we can let the guilt go. For example, “Maybe I wasn’t mad about that car getting in front of me and shouldn’t have honked my horn, they used their blinker and I’ve been in a situation where I’ve needed to get over in traffic. I understand. Maybe I was worried about being late, and wasn’t prepared to be set back any further. I have a hard time being perceived as unpunctual, it makes me feel irresponsible and undeserving of opportunities. I know this is irrational, and I can take steps to be compassionate to myself when these feelings come up. Next time, I will leave earlier and take a less busy route to my job, I am capable”. Problem solved, guilt over, shame avoided. Back to being your awesome, balanced self. That was a small example, but it can be applied to bigger, more complex things. Be patient with yourself.

I want you to think about all the things you could do and be if you radically forgave yourself and let go of shame. You may feel unworthy of good things if you don’t feel good, yourself. Don’t push away the love that’s coming your way because of an irrational idea that you aren’t deserving of it. Every person is. If no one has told you, I love every part of you. The good, bad, and ugly. I am honored to witness it with you.

Before we say our goodbyes, I want to talk about feelings of inadequacy. Shame robs you of the opportunity to make progress. When we misplace shame where compassion should be, we will naturally feel inadequate and helpless. You are neither. Please do not rob yourself of a learning opportunity because you feel like there is no way out or way to get better. I can guarantee you, the more you fuck up the more empathy you gain. To get to that empathy, we might feel guilt. Let the guilt go, keep the empathy. Empathy helps us move forward with love, and you are so capable and deserving of that.

I listen to and recite affirmations regularly. Some helpful ones that have helped me extend grace to myself go along the lines of: “Forgive yourself, let shit go, love those around you, love yourself, and respect your journey”. Don’t shame yourself unnecessarily, there are too many people who will learn from your journey (and even relate to it) that you deserve to meet and love. Too much love and compassion is at stake, forgive yourself.

I love you, I am with you, and I believe you are good. I accept you and see the goodness in you. Keep going.

you can’t cover it with a face mask ft. QUEST

As you all know, this is my public diary. I started this blog to document my own personal growth and to create a safe space for my friends near and far to relate to and reflect on. But, as I’ve grown more comfortable with it and been learning from others, I felt it was time to take this online space a step further and bring in someone who has been such a muse for me for a while now. I met Quest at a meeting at our university and immediately was fascinated by his energy. He is sensational and naturally captivating, and I am so excited to share a bit of his knowledge on self love with you all. This is officially…a community diary and that’s iconic. I have seen first-hand how Quest’s honesty and vulnerability have helped others, and that is kind of the entire point of this blog. I love learning with you all, and you all have truly given me the space to be a work in progress without judgement. If you know me personally (so basically if you’ve read any post on here ever lol), you know I have been shifting dramatically over the last year and have documented that which is so cool to look back on. Self love has been sort of a natural point of interest on this blog lately. I was initially focusing on the concept of vulnerability, and through the exploration and practice of that, it required me to really trust myself to be honest which then required me to grow stronger in my practice of self love and acceptance. Quest is well versed in this practice so when I noticed my blog taking this new direction I knew I just had to reach out to him. If you follow Quest on Instagram (which you should, @questsidestory), you know how collaborative of an experience his online presence is. He is constantly sharing wisdom, asking questions, and truly just being a safe space for people and that brings me so much joy. He’s kind of doing the damn thing. I told Quest how cool it is that he’s reached this part of his self love journey where he can now help others cultivate their own self love. I told him about my blog and how I kind of use it to say all the things that are on my mind but want to challenge myself to take up space in real life, to really push that self love I feel inside out in to my present reality. I figured I am not the only one who may be wanting to do this, so I had to bring it to Love Letters. I have seen Quest touch the hearts of so many people just by being himself, and he has surely inspired me to live truly and boldly. Just talking to him over the phone did so much for my heart and mind, I want as many people as possible to experience the magnificence that is my beloved, Quest. So, let’s get in to it! 

Defining “self love”

To kick off our conversation, we tried to develop a basic definition of “self love”, so I asked Quest how he would define it for himself. Through pondering this, we came to realize that there is not exactly one way to go about defining and cultivating your inner worth and love and that understanding your needs creates a unique and special path to your personal self love and acceptance. Quest put it well saying, “That’s a hard question to answer because it's so subjective. Everyone has a different definition of love in general. I can only love myself to the capacity of which I know that love is (period). It’s me being aware that I’m not in control of everyone and everything else and knowing that I can only control the things that I have the power to, while also navigating how to be more conscious of my self care, my limitations, my boundary setting, etc. It’s choosing to put that emotional energy in to myself that I would for others. It’s about being intentional about you. Self love looks different for everyone”. I think it’s an amazing point to consider that living intentionally on our journey to really showing up for ourselves starts within, and we can’t always consider what it will look like to others or how others have gone about their own journeys. “Self love comes about through doing the inner work, and that starts with meeting our basic needs in order to reach the point of self actualization”.

Mantras and affirmations 

Through our conversation, we learned that we are both huge on mantras and affirmations. It is so important to cultivate a safe, positive, and loving inner voice. The things that you say to yourself or about yourself matter. My therapist once told me, “Be conscious of what you allow to enter through your eyes and your ears. That will effect what goes on in your mind”. Quest explained how he uses the love language of “words of affirmation” on himself. “I write notes to myself. And I have a note wall, so any time I hear something powerful I’m like, “I’m gonna write that down””. One of his favorite quotes is, “Growth isn’t linear”. This has always been such a helpful mantra to repeat for me as well, because truly when you are putting in the work to heal and love yourself it’s going to be a process. Sometimes you will resort back to old habits, sometimes you will take huge leaps forward. Quest explained, “Sometimes you go from A to B to C. Then you might go back to A then forward to B and even get to C and you might still have to go back to A. You have to be patient with yourself because growth isn’t linear. We have cycles that we go through. Even when it’s slow it’s important. As people we want immediate gratification for the steps that we’re taking but we have to know that sometimes it’s regression before progression”.

Obstacles

I asked Quest if there had been any obstacles in his self love journey. If you saw my last post, I went in to how overwhelming and exhausting the obstacles we must overcome are when we intentionally take the time to work on ourselves. Quest explained, “A lot of my relationships have been catalysts for my development. Coming to college, learning what it meant to build a self concept was also an important obstacle. I had to ask myself those questions:

Who is Quest?

What are Quest’s interests?

What does Quest do?

If someone described me would they have an accurate perception?

Am I living my life authentically?”

I’ve written before about the power of unconditional love and acceptance, and a part of that is becoming comfortable with how you take up space in the world and being intentional with the choices you make. Knowing yourself allows for you to step in to spaces with honesty and confidence. Quest said, “Through living my life authentically, and giving people an opportunity to see who I am by being vulnerable, I was able to trade stories. When people share their stories with me it’s so healing. You have to be open minded and ready to absorb that information. When you’re open to it, that’s you being on a whole different level on your self love journey. You are open to receiving that knowledge”. Through speaking with others and trading life lessons you can understand that the obstacles we face are important parts of our self care journey. We are all learning, and no one is exempt from hard times and difficult relationships. If we can recognize that we are all facing obstacles, we can start to really take from them what is beneficial to our growth and development. 

Cultivating self love in college and becoming a young adult 

“In college I learned that I can’t expect everyone to be a Quest. When I start to question people’s motivations, I have to realize that not everyone was raised the same way that I was and that not everyone thinks the same way I do. So what does that mean? I can’t control anyone else but I can choose how to make myself happy. I was able to create that support system that inspires me to become a better person through knowing myself and what I expect from those in my life”. We talked a bit about how being a first generation college student can really impact how you cultivate self love. I hadn’t even considered how that has shown up in my own journey to self love and self compassion, but it absolutely has. Quest explained, “I’m a first gen and didn’t have a lot people to relate to in my family so for me I craved that kind of community and I always used to struggle with codependency. I would put my energy in other people to run away from my own problems. For me, self love and self care started with learning how to meet those basic needs first. College taught me about personal development. Building my life the way I needed to in order to live authentically. I kept trying to become somebody I wasn’t in order to change myself to be what I thought other people would like or what I thought was socially acceptable. You should feel free to live as you want to live with the people you want to live with”. College is sort of the first time that I got to see how I would function on my own while witnessing others also doing this for the first time. Sometimes it can be hard to understand if you’re doing things right, but self love is so important to member as you figure it all out. Because truly, in college you have the opportunity to align with people alike and different from you. Love yourself enough to show up as you are, and you will align with others doing the same thing. 

Who is your inspiration? 

“My mom. She’s the reason I do a lot of the things I do. She was never afraid to be vulnerable in front of me and she continuously inspires me to be a better person. I grew up in a house full of women and they poured a lot of love in to me and gave me the support to become the person I am today. She’s been my biggest source of inspiration. Black women in general have been. I look at y’all with such admiration. Black women provide a huge source of comfort for me. We all know, black women are the most mistreated demographic in the world. Yet, when I look around the room and I see a black woman I know I’m gonna be good. For y’all to experience the things that you do, and still be able to continuously stand up for yourself and be loving to others is so powerful”. Black women, near and far: I love us. 

Confidence 

There’s a misconception that those who have a high sense of self worth and self love have always been inherently confident. I have been working on my confidence in an array of ways, and I notice it is easier to be confident when you know yourself and have checked in on your needs. It goes back to that concept of radical acceptance. When I think about it, I lack confidence most when I haven’t met my needs. If I haven’t had a lot of sleep, I haven’t eaten much, I just throw on whatever without taking the time to adorn my body, my level of confidence reflects that. We really do have to take care of ourselves to put our best, most authentic foot forward. Quest spoke about his journey with confidence saying, “It might not seem like it, but I always struggled with confidence. It was hard for me to receive affirmation and compliments because I didn’t see it within myself. Being intentional about realizing I’m here for a reason was an important step. I have done the work to put these amazing people in my life who contribute to my productivity. If I ever need something, I know I have a great support system. I lean back on the village I built for myself. It comes back to knowing that I have that support system and that I’ve done the work, so I know I can be confident. I know I’m competent, I’m capable. We have to remember that, especially when we start comparing ourselves to other people. The more you know yourself the more you can love yourself. The first step is considering my needs. What am I lacking? If you can’t acknowledge what you’re lacking you can’t identify what you need. What am I going to do? How am I going to connect with people more authentically?”. I believe that in the space of figuring that out, confidence is born. What do I need to do for myself in order to show up as my best self?

Being an emotional whore 

Quest explained how we have to be more intentional about loving ourselves and how that will align us with people that we can have fulfilling and loving relationships with. “I struggled with codependence. I would always try to reach out and include people to fill a void in myself and it wasn’t sustainable because all of those people were not for me. I felt like an emotional whore, pimping myself out to anyone who would listen to me”. I need that on a poster, tattooed on my body, on my bulletin board. Yes, yes, yes. How often do we invest in relationships that are rooted in our own insecurities to avoid accepting the love we deserve? If you take a moment to look at those in your life, you might be able see which relationships share a foundation in negativity (think trauma bonding) and how many share a foundation in a shared desire for progress. Love yourself enough to rest in relationships that honor what you’ve been through but also give you the support to rise above it. 

Radical acceptance

“Well, in terms of radical acceptance, for me that’s been a process. Intentional and exhausting. Radical acceptance comes with realizing you are the person that you are. Giving up that control is really frustrating. You are who you are. Even with radical acceptance comes those moments where you’re really nitpicky. You’re like, “I like the way I look but, I don’t like my eyebrows or this or that. It’s hard to holistically say I accept myself while also feeling inadequate in some places”. What’s amazing about this, is that even those moments of nitpicking are an opportunity to practice radical self acceptance. Self acceptance isn’t “I like every part of myself and see no flaws” it’s more like, “I love myself, including my flaws and those flaws don’t diminish my worth”. I am a huge believer that self acceptance allows for us to truly develop a relationship with ourselves that considers all we have been and all we have the potential to be.

What advice do you have for my readers who are working through their self love journey?

“To accept the love you deserve, you must first know what you deserve. Exposure is everything. Think of it like this: kids can only aspire to what they see. If you’re a child and haven’t experienced the world yet, you don’t know what to expect. Likewise, if you’ve never been exposed to this higher level of love and if you don’t know yourself as a person, you can’t begin to fully receive that because you can’t even find it within yourself, therefore you won’t see it in others and you will not think you deserve it. People self sabotage the love they don’t feel they deserve. You have to become the person that you want to love you. How would you want somebody to support you? Show up for yourself in that category. We often expect our relationships to last forever, even if those relationships aren’t all we deserve. We are so dependent on “forever”, trying to ignore the void that comes from a bad relationship with ourselves by filling that through our relationships with others. You have to prepare yourself for the love that is coming in to your life. In our self love journey, it’s not about forgetting the hard things, it’s about finding empowerment within it. Sitting with it, examining it. You’re still here, you’re still standing. I’ve had the will power, I’ve endure this for so long, I have the resilience. You’re more powerful than you think you are. Ask yourself what you need, and take the initiative to get it. Have the confidence in yourself to know you can be (and expect) better”.

Quest and I drew from our own experiences to develop a few steps to help you along your journey:

1. Make sure all of your basic needs are being met

2. Practice self awareness

3. Accept yourself, and take initiative to change the parts of yourself holding you back from your highest potential

4. Create a healthy support system

5. Understand that self love is a life time commitment, and this journey will not be linear. Be patient and compassionate with yourself.

As our conversation came to an end, Quest and I thought of our own mantra: “You can’t cover it with a face mask”. Self love sometimes gets the wrap of being all about the “Treat yourself” mentality. While this is one part of our self love journey, we have to commit ourselves to doing the work and seeking advice from those we can learn from. Thank you, Quest, for being that person to me and to so many people. Self love isn’t always pretty, and we can’t gloss over the hard parts of it. Be vulnerable, go and take those steps, and build your support system (you already have me, so you’ve got this). 

Love you all (but you knew that).

when life sucks, it’s because you deserve it.

I have a draft saved on this blog for something that I was working on, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I have to acknowledge what is at the forefront of my mind, because it is intricately tied to what’s going on in my soul (and the soul is where all the magic happens). My soul is exhausted. It has been a very difficult summer for me. This is the first summer where I’ve let myself do nothing. No working, no volunteering, no planning. I think I subconsciously set myself up to break down and rebuild. No distractions are there to hide what is going on internally. Oh, boy. I am so big on vulnerability but I have to admit this is so hard to bring forward. This summer has been one of the hardest and coldest I’ve experienced. In a way, I feel like every hard thing I have experienced was boiling in a pot and for some reason, this summer is when it all boiled over. It has been so necessary, but so miserable. I am reading Glennon Doyle’s book “Untamed”. I have known about this book for a couple years, but one day when I was in Target looking for another book, I saw it on the shelf and just instinctually grabbed it. I didn’t know why all of a sudden I wanted to read this book so much, but when your intuition is so strong that it controls you physically and draws you closer to something, you just go with it. Thank you, intuition. This book has been my Bible. When I feel alone or misunderstood or hurt, I open up this book and like magic the next chapter is about exactly what I am feeling. Glennon writes eloquently about things I have always felt, but then she takes it a step farther and explains why I have felt the things and how it can help me. I just had to put the book down because one chapter in particular just shook me to my core. Glennon said, “Love is a river, and there are times when impediments stop the flow of love. Mental illness, addiction, shame, narcissism, fear passed down by religious and cultural institutions—these are boulders that interrupt love’s flow…Your parent—your sister, your friend, the one who couldn’t love you—her love was impeded. That love was there—swirling, festering, vicious in its desperation for release. It was there, it is there, all for you. That love exists. It just couldn’t get past the boulder”. I have been in my bed sitting in shock from that excerpt. I took a minute to think about the boulders I have, and the boulders that other people may have that are blocking love from flowing through my life. I have been gutted by the level of isolation I have been feeling this summer. Why don’t people feel my love? Why can’t I feel the love of others? I have a strong belief that the Universe knew this was going to be the Summer of Healing, because this book came at a perfect time. The Universe was like, “We’re about to take everything from her, isolate her, and watch her tear apart every limiting belief she has had thus far. And, we’re also going to bring up situations that bring her worst fears out in front of her eyes. We’re also going to make it so that she has no distraction from her feelings, so that she misses nothing. We should give her a handbook of some sort or she might just think we hate her, ummm let’s give her Glennon’s book. She’ll be okay”.

I had a dream earlier this summer, and it took me through different stages of my life. It highlighted some of my worst insecurities, my hardest moments, and my greatest fears about the future. I woke up in shambles. What am I supposed to have gained from that? When you wake up from a dream with energy flowing through your body but don’t feel rested, I believe that sleep wasn’t just used to rejuvenate your body, but to fuel your soul. This dream exposed the hell out of me. I learned that the universe was going to keep putting me in situations that triggered trauma responses until I let myself process the trauma. Every relationship, every struggle, every victory, every opportunity, every loss. It is all repetition. I have grown tired of seeing the same things play out over and over again, and it has stopped me from hoping for better. Do you ever think to yourself, “Why me? Why does this keep happening to me?”. The Universe heard my questions, and responded with, “Because you will not let it go. And you won’t, not until you look it in the eye and tell it to go away yourself”. I have spent years trying to explain to myself why I could have possibly deserved the bad things that happened in my life. I have spent so much time trying to be “good”, trying to avoid being intertwined with the things that made me feel bad. I have learned, in this Summer of Healing, that everything is circumstantial. I understand why I do the things that I do and why I have the core beliefs that I have. I have had to adapt to survive, and I’m going to keep adapting to the pain I’ve witnessed until I am free of the pain I have experienced. But I reached a breaking point. I no longer want to just survive, I want to enjoy the life I am living.

The thing about pain and trauma is that it will show up in everything and everyone you know. Even the things and people you love. I learned that you have to be okay with letting the pain come up, and you have to forgive yourself for the way you deal with it when it does. Everyone is doing this. This summer has taught me that people are trying their best. I know this, because I am trying my best and still have been told that my best just isn’t good enough. I have written before about unconditional love (check my last post). I thought I understood it, but now I know it. Because I have finally extended it to myself. I love myself unconditionally. I do not have to be perfect to receive love and to be accepted. I am allowed to honor my pain and to hold myself when that pain isolates me from the world. If no one has me, I have to have me. My fears all have one remedy, and that is unconditional love. Yes, awful and unfair things have happened in my life. Unconditional love says, “Yes, and I am a testament to why you didn’t deserve it”. Yes, I am afraid of being imperfect and people not sticking around because of it. Unconditional love says, “Yes, and I will stand by you when those people leave, because my love is not limited to them”. Yes, I am afraid to be anything other than “good”, and when I am not I feel unworthy of love and understanding. Unconditional love says, “There is no good or bad, you are responding to the cards you have been dealt, and I honor your willingness to navigate it. I have compassion for you, so have compassion for others”. Whenever I find myself bound to bed, when my vision is blurred from the overflow of emotions coming through my eyes, when my phone is dry and I feel disconnected from the outside world. I ask myself, “What is to come of this?”. Sometimes, you have to go through it alone to show yourself that you are never alone as long as you have yourself. You are somebody. Your relationship with yourself and your life is what sets up your relationships with others. You have to know, you have to know, that you are worth the struggle. You are worth the mess. You are worth the pain. You are worth the loneliness. You are worth the conflict. You are worth the anger. You are worth the work and you are completely, without a doubt, worthy of the gifts that come from it.

I am so excited and overjoyed to see what I am aligned with now. I no longer feel like a prisoner to my circumstances. I no longer feel like I must beg to be understood. I no longer feel that the things done to me by people deeply hurt and insecure due their own circumstances are my fault. And on the flip side, I know that when I am hurting, the things I do to others is a reflection of my own journey to healing. Nothing is personal, we are all trying. I have spent so many summers avoiding the pain of the past. I have had so many conversations trying to explain away and minimize my hurt. I have excused so much mistreatment, believing that I deserved it. And if it weren’t for this Summer of Healing, this Summer of Crying, this Summer of Isolation, this Summer of Anger, this Summer of Reckoning. Who knows how many more lessons I would have to repeat, how many people I would have to lose, how many opportunities I would have sabotaged thinking that my pain must define the beauty of my life. The most beautiful thing I have learned this summer is that I am magnificent. And so are you. Look at us, rolling with the punches and walking in our worth. Look at us, being hurt but still choosing to be kind to others. Look at us, giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt and letting no one else define our journeys for us. Look at us, choosing to keep going when we feel caught in a circle of despair. Look at us, alive and beautiful. I am proud of myself, and I am proud of you. Love yourself for your mess, and keep your head up high.

Self love sometimes looks like failure. Other people may not love you unconditionally, and you must know that it is because they do not love themselves unconditionally, either. You are strong and doing what you need to do in order to align yourself with your highest good. Let everything else stay behind. You are running towards yourself, running towards love. Keep going, and don’t worry about how it looks to anyone else. You’ve got this. Unconditional love will wreck every part of your life. It will take away things you thought you wanted. It will cause people to hate you. It will bring you to your knees. Go with it. When you wrestle with the parts of your life that do not feel good, you are fighting for yourself. Keep fighting, keep loving. It will all make sense.

When life sucks, it’s because you deserve it. You deserve to look the pain in the eye and fight it. You deserve to kick pain’s ass. That struggle you feel? You deserve it. You deserve to rise above, and you absolutely will.

I love you so much, I really do.

you will never be too much for me

I’ll be honest, I am in a bit of a funk. Not a bit, a whole bite. When I think of my inner dialogue in times like these, I have a voice inside that says “It’s not that bad, keep it to yourself and it will go away”. And so, I usually listen. The issue with this is that I trained my mind to feed itself with the same venom that makes it sick. It is a toxic drug, invalidation. Whenever someone comes to me with a problem, I never say to them, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing, just let it go”. But I easily say it to myself. Well, I’m quite tired of this. I don’t think this habit of shoving toxic positivity through my subconscious mind is fair. When you use toxic positivity to deal with difficult emotions, it’s like turning on your headlights in the middle of the day while the sun is out. It isn’t helpful and feels almost silly. Positivity is not the remedy to our problems, it is a state of mind often inaccessible when you are in distress. I am learning to stop seeing positivity as a destination to reach when I am feeling low. The goal of healing isn’t happiness, it is survival. Positivity can be a privilege. I don’t think we say that enough. To see the world through rose colored glasses is to reject reality. And to reject reality is to reject the human experience. If we cannot appreciate the whole human experience, the good and the bad, then we cannot appreciate others (or ourselves) for their complexities. For anyone who needs to hear it, you do not need to be happy in order to be loved. When offering support, the goal isn’t to eliminate the negative aspects of someone’s situation, it is to understand what they are experiencing. Through understanding, we can be compassionate (empathetic even).

I learned that when babies and toddlers cry and get upset, it is helpful to get on their level. Have you ever seen a parent mimic their baby while they are throwing a tantrum, and watched the baby stop crying and start laughing at the sight of their parent doing the exact same thing as them? Often when I encounter a child that is upset, my first instinct is to want to make it all better. But what is more effective is to feel with them. Let’s say we are upset because our crayon broke. Alright, this sucks. We loved that crayon, I am upset that this crayon broke because I know you really like it and it will probably be harder to use now that it’s broken. We are so upset about this crayon. “That’s terrible, this was a good crayon. I wonder if we can still use it even though it’s broken”. Usually there will still be tears before they are able to calm down. And I’ve learned that this is okay. The goal is to understand, and then to solve. With toxic positivity, we skip the understanding and go straight for solutions. I think we do this because we assume that whatever we are dealing with is not significant enough to deal with. But as my beloved Mr. Rogers once said, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know we are not alone”. Gosh, I just love him. I think about that quote so often, and it helps me to name my emotions, validate them, and then start working towards solutions. I try to apply this to others as well. I validate the feelings, ask questions, sit with the feelings, and then wait to see when it’s time to create solutions with them. It works like a charm, so why not apply this to myself? So, if you struggle with this let’s learn together. I have gotten pretty good at the first step, validating. “This does not feel good, and I am sad. It’s okay that I feel this way”. The next part is where it gets a little difficult. Asking questions. I start to cross examine myself, and this quickly becomes overwhelming and almost invalidating. “Why do you feel this way? Are we sure this is really happening? Maybe this isn’t a big deal, right?”. When talking to others, the questions are more like “Why do you feel this way? How long have you felt this way? Did someone or something trigger these feelings? Do you want to talk about it or do you just want me to know?”. These are the questions that make people feel safe enough to start creating solutions, but again, that isn’t the ultimate goal. It is a great feeling to solve a difficult emotion, but I think validation and asking questions is the most significant part of healing yourself and supporting others because it is the best way to honor our humanity.

This is why it is so important to understand that you are never too much. It is the most human thing in the world to experience emotions. We evolved to be highly intelligent and complex thinkers. Our species has survived because we evolved to think critically and conceptually. Let’s not minimize our humanity when emotions come up. I am a strong believer that we are not meant to go through life alone. I’m all for independence, I’m an introvert, I like to be alone. But, humans don’t do well in isolation. The quarantine confirmed that. Life is too difficult to go at it alone. You don’t have to. What can be hard is struggling to open up. As much as I wear my heart on my sleeve and love to have open conversations with people, I really struggle to express when I am upset or in distress. I am always convinced no one will understand, or that I will be forced to abandon my feelings for the sake of someone else’s comfort. The truth is, if the people in your life can’t make space for your humanity, then they don’t see you as their equal. I know that I am a human being with lots of emotions, I cry a lot, I write in paragraphs when I respond to texts, I pour my heart out when I love someone. And this is not unique. I know I should allow space for others to do the same. I am not abnormal for being emotional and needing deep connection. I learned that I cannot expect people to love me exactly how I love them, but I absolutely can expect to be treated like a human being. This means, being supported through all my complexities. I have 100% had to cut off people that did not honor my humanity, who made me feel like I was too much. Especially the summer of 2020 (if you know you know, and you should know). If no one has told you, you will never be too much for the right person (or people). I think my fear of opening up with some of my more complex feelings is rooted in the idea that if I act too much like myself, it will be off putting, and it will hurt to know that people don’t like me for who I am. That comes from attaching my worth to how I am perceived, and I am telling you (and myself), that you can stop doing this. You are so worth being validated. You are so worth being supported. You are so amazing, every part of you. I PRAY for the chance to know someone deeply, to learn the parts of them that they dislike, to understand how all the pieces that make them who they are connect. It is apart of acceptance. As Katy Perry says in one of the best songs ever that you literally should know so I'm not even putting the title, “Acceptance is the key to be truly free. Will you do the same for me?”. I hold back tears almost every time. It’s always what I need to hear. Radical acceptance is the key to loving yourself and loving others.

I accept you for all you have been, all you are, and all you have the potential to be. I am not afraid or turned off by your feelings, because they are a part of you, and I love you. I do not need you to be perfect in order for me to love you to the best of my abilities. You are human, and I honor you.

This is how I feel about each of you, and this is how I will start feeling about myself.

I may still be in my funk (I am writing this from bed). I still may cry and I still may sulk, but what is important is that I am alive. As long as you and I are alive, the only thing we owe to each other is the space to be human.

I love you all.

how much do you really love yourself?

Hi, everyone! It has been a long while since I’ve posted anything on here. I’ve thought about deleting this whole site over the last couple months just because I’ve felt bad for not being as consistent with it as I would like. But then I remembered, I can do what I want! I am glad to have this outlet of expression at my disposal and I look forward to sharing my thoughts, and it’s okay to keep certain lessons in my head because they are valid even if I don’t share them. I am happy with all I put in to this blog when I can, and I love that about myself. What a perfect transition in to what I would like to bring forward today! Today I would like you to consider all the ways that you show up for yourself. We have all witnessed the self love movement take its place in society, and I think it has been beneficial in the way that it gives us all a reason to slow down and show appreciation for ourselves. I think that is wonderful, but one of my favorite things about cultivating self love is how it shows up in my relationships with others. It’s very ironic, but self love is not only about our relationship with ourselves. In a lot of ways it is, but what is important to give attention to is how we show up for ourselves when we deal with others. This practice of showing up for myself is easy to do when I am alone, but the challenge of sticking to my boundaries and communicating my needs has been a less glamorous part of self love that I’ve had to master. When caring for myself, I have to remember that I am advocating for all of the parts that make me who I am. I am living for my inner child, my current self, my future self, my ancestors, my descendants. I want to carry every part of myself with love. I know that my inner child is afraid of being unheard because people silenced her, so I speak my mind whenever I feel like it. I know that my current self has anxiety, and so I look for peace where I can and create space for quiet and serenity. I know that my ancestors were mistreated, and so I do not tolerate mistreatment. I know that my future self will be happiest surrounded by love and abundance, so I only accept relationships that feel steadfast and loving and I make decisions that will give me opportunities to be happy and limitless. I know that any future descendants I have will be connected to me, and they will be able to look back on to me for guidance, and so I seek as much wisdom as I can so that they may inherit it, because I already love them. That is a whole lot of love. Juggling that can be hard in relationships. I have so many standards and boundaries in place to take care of all of the parts of me. I can't allow people to disrespect me, because no part of me deserves disrespect. I can’t tolerate being yelled at, because there is a child in me who is afraid of that. I can’t adjust my boundaries, because my ancestors fought for me to use my voice to advocate for my needs. I absolutely cannot allow anyone in my life to stay who makes me feel that I must hide who I am for their benefit. I am a soul full of light, and that light can be diminished by people filled with darkness, who intend to drain me of my energy then leave me for dead. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. How much do you love who you’ve been, who you are, and who you have the potential to be? I know that there is a part of you that feels uncomfortable when you are mistreated. Do not place the burden of processing the unfair actions of others on to your inner child, your ancestors, or yourself. This life is for you to learn to love. Love yourself enough to only accept love.

What is your reaction when people don’t love you how you deserve? Mine used to be very unfair to me. I would brush it aside when I felt disrespected. I would accept apologies that I did not feel were enough. I would maintain relationships that always made me feel unheard and drained. I would assume that I could carry the weight of others because my role in every relationship was to be the healer. I would tell myself, “You have the energy to deal with this and they don’t. The least you could do is help them out”. I told myself this when I was dealing with some of the hardest things in my life. I would continuously gaslight myself in to believing that my feelings did not matter as much as other people’s. And I thought good of myself for it. I think I was so obsessed with wanting to be a good person, that I treated myself like shit. I took all the punches. I became so used to doing what I thought “good people” do that I became bitter. I always felt used. I could no longer give without keeping tabs. I couldn't have conversations without blurting out harsh things. I was a ball of hatred. This triggered a huge identity crisis. If I wasn’t the nice person everyone could go to, who was I? What was there to love if no one could validate my existence? Oh, boy. Looking back, past Skyler needed a hug. And she needed to be reminded that life is not about being good or bad. Life is about growing and loving. And sometimes loving does not look polite. Sometimes loving does not allow people you care about to stay in your life. Sometimes loving is saying “no”. Sometimes loving is hurting someone’s feelings. Loving is not checking off boxes, loving is meeting needs. When I realized that my past of loving out of spite was ruining me, I had to take a step back. Loving used to be about control. If I do this, they will do that. If I show up for them, maybe they will show up for me. I learned to love myself when I realized I could not control how others love me. No matter how much you give, you may still end up empty. Assume that no one is obligated to fill your cup. People will, but that is not the point of your life. You will attract loving individuals who take care of you when you start loving yourself in a way that only accepts love. I noticed when I cut off relationships that were meaningful, but did not feel loving, that I had a fear of loneliness. Perhaps my past self was always afraid of being left alone, so much that she kept people around to avoid it. But in my pursuit of loving myself, I learned that being alone was more respectful to myself, than being surrounded by people I did not feel loved by. And in this pause of loneliness, came the best love I have ever experienced. My friends now are the people I have always deserved. I would not have them if I did not take the leap of loving myself. I promise you, you attract who you are. Let go of anyone or anything that you know is not of love. We all know the quote, “You accept the love that you think you deserve”. The longer you accept the worst, the longer it will take for better to come. Let go, create space. Love is coming. The amazing people in my life are beautiful reminders of the importance of loving purely, but it is important to know that it was not their presence that ultimately validated me. My journey towards radical self love showed me that even when I make mistakes, even when I ruin things, even when I am caught in toxic cycles, I am still a vessel of love. That is my power. Love cannot leave me, and love is always running towards me. How much do I love myself? Enough to know I deserve the best even when I am at my worst. You cannot earn love, for it is your inheritance. I am valid because I am human. It is only human that I give love and receive it.

It starts from within, my angels. Stand up for yourself. Make strong boundaries. Let go of your limiting beliefs. Leave spaces where you are not celebrated. You are not hard to love.

To my friends near and far, you all remind me every day that loving is easy. Thank you for letting me love you.

embracing agnosticism

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and wrote something for this blog, but very often I get ideas in my mind that I know will eventually see the light of day on here. This one idea has been floating around in my mind for a while, and I think that I’m ready to put these thoughts out there and see if they resonate with anyone. I’ll be honest, there’s a pit in my stomach about the things I’m about to say. That pit is filled with a bittersweetness, because religion has always played a big role in my life, but has harmed me in ways that break my heart to describe. I am also worried that I have lead some astray, or that I am doing that right now by going against something I’ve always been so loyal to. So, before I get in to anything too crazy, I want to explain something that a dear friend expressed to me the other day: It’s really helpful to view agnosticism as more of a philosophy than a religious ideology. I know that agnosticism is categorized mostly as an idea, and I think this is most fitting for my current circumstance. Over the last few months I have been dipping my toes in to the unknown and have sort of surrendered everything I thought I knew. I wanted a fresh start, and honestly, my ultimate goal through challenging my religion was to learn more about it so I could grow in it. My intentions were never to abandon my faith, but a few factors contributed to this somewhat blank void that I’ve been experiencing in regards to my religious ideals. I’m not going to dive in to every part of my religious/spiritual journey, because I am still confused on a lot and only want to speak on things that I can articulate well. I am so grateful for many of the Christians in my life who have witnessed my various transformations within the faith and have been a consistent source of support, no matter how far I go away from their own held beliefs. That is why this is not going to be an anti-Christianity type of post. I just want to explain what I’ve been thinking lately.

It all kind of started to unfold when I began growing close friendships with people who had been hurt by the church. Looking back, it is so telling of the merciful and loving nature of the friendships I have that I am still able to call these friends my friends even after being so deeply involved in an institution that actively and consistently let them down and rejected them. From these friendships, I began doing outside research, watching interview after interview about people who dedicate their lives to navigating faith in a world where religion can be so corrupt. I’ve heard so many stories of women being minimized and objectified in the Church. I’ve heard so many stories of LGBTQA+ folks being ostracized by a faith supposedly founded in love. I’ve heard so many stories of people having to justify why they still call themselves Christians, even though they don’t particularly stand behind some of the Christian doctrines they were taught. And so I thought, “Okay, there are a few bad apples. A lot of the Bible is taken out of context and distorted in ways that seem harmful, but I’m aware of that, and my purpose must be to bring people closer to God and clarify some of the teachings so that people don’t feel rejected by this thing I have always thought was the way, the truth, and the life”. I think a lot of Christians think this way.

Fast forward, summer of 2020. I converted in to Catholicism. I had spent that past year going through the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. I contemplated my faith every single day, and I really thought that the feeling of anxiety within me was the Holy Spirit. I should mention I struggle with OCD. For some, OCD can make things like religion and rules and morality feel very life and death all of the time. Catholicism was perfect for my anxious mind, because I felt like even if I were to fall short of the religion I would still land among a meadow of somewhat acceptable morality. The standard for morality in Catholicism is so high, and so I embraced it wanting to be as close to perfect as I could, because I thought that was what God required to enter Heaven, and that there was mercy when I fell short from perfection even if it was coated with shame. I wanted to be separate from sin. I wanted to escape eternal damnation. Really huge goals. Although any Catholic will tell you that the Catholic Church isn’t perfect, there are parts of it that thrive off of suffering. This was really hard for me to understand going in to it. A lot of the saints celebrated by the Church were martyrs, or punished themselves often for falling short of God. Reconciliation was offered for when you sin, so that you could wipe your conscious clean of anything seemingly shameful or immoral. I loved this. Even if I messed up, I could take real steps to becoming close to perfect again. I could stop being so afraid of Hell and living in sin. Looking back, I wish someone would’ve told me that the goal of our existence isn’t to be perfect, but to be loving. Although many Christians will express this sentiment, my mind doesn’t comprehend the irony of striving for separation from inherently human traits in efforts to reach perfection, while also being so human.

Fast forward some more, that same summer. The Black Lives Matter movement seemed to be resurfacing in the mainstream media. I immediately sprung to action. Researching, educating, advocating, protesting, praying. The night I became Catholic, there were riots going on outside. As a Black and Christian woman, my thoughts throughout the Church service were, “I hope that my community will get the justice they deserve. This outcry isn’t one of violence, it’s one of pain”. It seemed as though the Catholic Church saw it from a different perspective. The priest had us pray for law enforcement that night. Not the protestors, not the Black community. The remarks made about the riots pierced my heart. I felt genuinely disconnected from the Church that first day in it. Why aren’t they acknowledging why people are rioting. Why pray for the thing causing the harm, and not pray for the harmed? The idea of putting personal responsibility on the oppressed to deal with the actions of the oppressor was a pattern I’d always ignored in the Church. When my LGBTQA+ friends expressed this idea to me long ago, I didn’t fully get it. It is one thing to be loyal to your beliefs, but it is another to endure pain and gaslighting in the name of righteousness and be shamed for when you don’t quite fit in. I remember looking through Pope Francis’ Instagram, waiting to see what his response to the rioting would be. I was hoping the leader of the Church would understand. He didn’t. He released a statement basically explaining how racism is bad but violence is never the answer. On the surface, it seems like the most righteous response. With a little critical thinking, one can easily tell that this sentiment was misdirected. How could this Church, with a history of conquering and murdering and force converting, suddenly be so anti-protest in regards to something actually progressive? We reference a book full of tales about wars for righteousness led by God, himself. But a Target being looted was where the Church and its members seemed to draw the line. It was so clear that night. That summer I slowly began feeling the exhaust of supporting something that did not support me.

When I got to college, I came with my rosaries and my prayer books and my Bible. I looked for Bible study groups right away, joined the Catholic group on campus. I was determined not to be one of those failed Catholics who got an education and suddenly became too prideful to embrace the traditions of the Church. I’d heard many priests and Catholic adults say that college was pretty much where Catholicism went to die. I even heard one sermon where a priest said that the things they teach you at university make young people turn away from the Church. I didn’t understand why going to school would make someone abandon their faith, in fact, I looked down upon such a sentiment. I was going to graduate college, find a Catholic man, have Catholic children, and live a Catholic life. Well, you read the title of this post. Prior to going to my university, I went to Catholic school from the ages of 4 to 18. I was almost always surrounded by white conservative Catholics. My university is very different from that. Within the first few weeks I’d encountered so many different kinds of people. Although I still held pretty strong Catholic beliefs, my new friends and schoolmates embraced me with open arms. I received a lot of the “Well, you’re Catholic but not that kind of Catholic”. What people would mean by that is that I was religious but oddly progressive. My personal religious beliefs didn’t always match my political ones, and I didn’t really embrace all of the Catholic doctrines I was supposed to believe. I didn’t really play the Catholic woman role as I was supposed to, and I didn’t believe that men were inherently superior and deserved roles of authority just because they are men. I thought gay people deserved to get married and to have families, and that conversion therapy was immoral. I believed that gender expression is a personal and valuable part of someone’s identity, and exists on a spectrum meaning that a book banking on “man and woman” was inherently exlcusive. I believed that the concept of virginity was used to control women and oversexualize them, and that purity culture is apart of rape culture. I didn't think upholding politically conservative values made someone wiser or more religious, and I thought it was odd that the Church seemed to be home to a group of people who didn’t care about the poor or marginalized if it didn’t benefit them in some way. Essentially, I didn’t think tradition always meant truth. And I still don't. Perhaps my “trouble” is that when I hear people speak from their heart about their experiences, I have a hard time responding by speaking from a book that explicitly ostracizes and shames them. Even when we think we are being loving, sometimes our love is conditional. I was brought up to believe that if there is a God, he loves his creations unconditionally. “Love the sinner, hate the sin”, is the perfect example of conditional love, no matter how you twist it. Who are sinners to hate the part of another of which they directly share? During this time I also began unlearning a lot of what I thought to be true. My idea of “sin” wasn’t like everyone else’s anymore. Some of the things I thought were immoral turned out to just be human nature. I was around people who saw the good in me even when I fell short from my perception of perfection. I stopped wanting to evangelize people, because I didn’t want them to ever feel how I had within the Church.

I stopped viewing God through the lens of a man. When I reference God now as a him (as I’ve done strategically throughout this post), I reflect on why I’ve always accepted that my greatest goal in life is to please a theoretical and metaphorical man, when the men on Earth are the way that they are. I started embracing my humanity for all that it is, and stopped trying to mold it in to something it’s not. I love people because they are branches of the same tree as me. To not love others is to not love myself and to not value creation. I believe that the universe is not separate from me. I embrace that I am the universe experiencing itself and individuality. I want to give the universe a free and loving experience. It is my only purpose, to be. I know it is off putting to my Christian friends to hear, but I’ll say it: While there may be a higher power, I trust that it knows my limitations and doesn’t expect anything but existence from me.

So, this is where I’ve landed. Right now, I surrender that I know nothing. I don’t wish damnation on anyone, and the idea that there is a place of metaphorical burning fire that some accept, where people suffer for eternity, is not logical to me. Life is short, and people are dumb. I no longer place the standard of God on anyone, but only the standard of compassion. I can no longer operate on a foundation of constructs that seek to minimize the beauty that is human nature. The only thing that I know is that I do not know. And aren’t we all in the same boat there?

i’m simply not participating in resolutions this year

So this has been the trashiest year I've ever seen. I would say it’s been the worst, but the hellish external factors that made this year awful truly distorted my memory of everything before it. So right now, I’m going to go ahead and say with my whole chest that this year has been disgusting and foul. Now, with that out of the way I want to say that this year, like all the years before, taught me a lot. I think it’s really important to understand that we do not have to experience terrible, traumatic things (like a deadly pandemic or a president who is a white supremacist) to learn and grow. THERE ARE NICER WAYS TO LEARN THE LESSONS OF LIFE. With that considered, I can say my biggest takeaway from this year was learning to let go of what I can’t control. Has this lesson been repeated to me for my entire life? Yes. Literally, yes. But I did not truly understand it until now. This year, I did a lot of really big things. A lot of my young adult milestones were overshadowed by a plague and I had to learn to expect the unexpected and be okay with having no stability or blueprint for what was to come (a common experience for anyone who graduated in 2020). Because I was isolated for a lot of the year, I was forced to look inward. I have always tried to be reflective, but this kind of reflection was different. I was physically away from all of the expectations I once used as guidance to become who I thought I had to be. I am incredibly sad that this year ripped us apart, and I am insanely grateful that this year is coming to an end. But I know now, more than I’ve ever known before, that the new year does not always mark a new start. If anything, 2020 has only highlighted what’s been there for years. Last year around this time I was on Christmas break from high school. At that time, breaks were truly just breaks and the words “pandemic” and “quarantine” were seldom used in my vocabulary. I don’t remember much, but I do remember how long January and February felt when I got back to school. I remember celebrating my birthday in February, a few weeks before the world shut down. I remember hearing the word “covid” and thinking it would never impact my life. And then came March. I remember being so happy that high school was coming to a seemingly faster end, because I was long over it by then. I did not think that two weeks would turn in to a year and that a year could be so hard. The summer was full of racism, clearer than I’ve ever seen it. I remember losing a lot of friends and crying a lot because every day I saw something that was dehumanizing and it felt as though no one truly cared or could understand. I remember protesting, wearing my mask and distancing myself from people and observing them as they demanded social justice, and wondering why so many white people cared so much all of a sudden. Waiting for people to wake up in the morning after you’ve been awake for hours is intensely exhausting and frustrating. And while the world was grieving the loss of centuries worth of innocent black lives, I lost my sister. I experienced grief and still do and probably always will. I felt as though no one could comfort me enough. I started college. I met new people. I changed my major. I experienced freedom. I grew to know myself and I challenged my beliefs, let go of old ones and accepted new ones. 2020 was something I did not know I was prepared for, but I was. The thing is, this year sucked. Even small things felt like big things because everything seemed harder. The air felt poisonous and people felt farther. But the happenings of this year in particular changed me in ways that I will be forever grateful for. I am so in love with who I am and will never return to who I was before this year. It would pain me to do that. I did not know I could be this cool. My whole life I thought I had to change both myself and everything around me to be good enough. I was obsessed with the idea of controlling everything around me, even though it was impossible. 2020 beat me up and left me for dead. It grabbed me by the wrist and said “I am bigger than you”. But instead of fighting back, for the first time I agreed with what I could not understand. Yes, 2020, you are big and scary and mean and awful. But I am infinite, and gentle, and kind, and good. I will not change who I am because of a year, or because of what I cannot change. Not anymore. 2020 does not get credit for who I am today. I do. We all do. Be proud of yourself. Humans are extremely fragile, and you survived something much stronger than you. 2020 showed all of us that we do not have to conform to anything to be strong. We do not have to earn strength by enduring terrible things. Strength is always within us, and we choose when we will apply it. I am so proud of all of you for choosing to apply strength when you were most weak. This is why I refuse to write resolutions for 2021. 2021 will be what 2021 will be, and I cannot change that. I don’t need a ball to drop to clean my slate. I refuse to do that. Right now, I am carrying everything I’ve learned since the year 2002, and I need all of it to endure 2021. Resolutions do not need to start on January 1st. They can start whenever you feel ready. You will always be ready. Choose when to apply all the wisdom you’ve acquired, and trust yourself. This next year may be a continuation of this current year in the worst way possible, or things could get drastically better. You can just stay still. I am choosing rest this New Year. I was asleep when 2020 began. I did not stay up to celebrate the coming year and I may not stay up this year either. 2020 Skyler will be a stranger to 2021 Skyler. Not because the year will change, but because I am always changing. You will change and grow naturally. Be gentle with yourself, the world is rigid and daunting. Life occurs in seasons, and each one will present new challenges. The Earth does not look or act the same in winter as it does in spring. And neither do we. Congratulations for changing and shifting and dying and waking up through each season. I am so proud of you.

Love you,

Skyler

body neutrality

I was recently on TikTok and learned about the term “body neutrality”. Essentially, body neutrality is about taking the pressure off of holding our bodies to a standard of beauty and just being okay with the practical functions of the body, and being appreciative. The body positivity movement has helped a lot of people grow to love their bodies and see beauty in themselves, and I think this is wonderful. However, I feel like I resonate more with the body neutrality movement because it feels less superficial? Let me be clear, I do not think seeing beauty in yourself is superficial at all. I think that for me personally, having to make myself feel “beautiful” all the time put too much emphasis on my body and my looks, and that wasn’t beneficial to my self esteem. Okay, yes. THAT. I am so grateful for my body. I try to look out for it the best I can, and my body looks the way it looks. I find myself attractive on most days, but there are days where insecurity clouds my perception of myself. Some days, I admire my form. Other days, I pick apart things that I have no control over, just for the hell of it. On those days, my first instinct is to tell myself “Skyler, you’re gorgeous. You look amazing. Your body looks fine. You’re beautiful”. And while I am so proud of that inner voice that I worked so hard to instill within myself, sometimes it is exhausting having to realign myself with any standard of beauty on my off days. Somedays it’s just like, what does it matter? My body is my body, and that is enough. I don’t want to have to appeal to my standard of beauty (which is influenced by society) when my body has a mind of its own. My boobs do not care if I’m wearing a bra or not, they’re going to be thriving regardless. My legs don’t care if they have hair on them, in fact, they probably prefer it. My skin does not care at all if I have a break out or if I have stretch marks or if I have a scar here or there. My body is just helping me survive and I love it for that. It is powerful to know and believe that you are beautiful. Do not get me wrong there. There’s nothing like looking in the mirror and just feeling yourself. But we have to start questioning what standard of beauty we’re holding ourselves to and where it comes from. Where does the standard of beauty come from for you? As a woman, I’ll be the first to say that my internal male gaze can be so prevalent, even without my consent! This can really effect how I see myself (we’re working on it), and it doesn’t help that some men feel so comfortable objectifying and/or tearing down women for how they look in comparison to the women they see on special websites. Every woman experiences the internal male gaze to some extent, because we live in a patriarchal society that has unfortunately conditioned us to feel that men are always watching, and that their approval is important and significant to our value (It absolutely isn’t. But knowing that doesn’t change the fact that the gaze is there). When I look at my body, I’ll be completely honest, a thought that I have is, “I wonder what men think of my body when they see me. I hope I’m desirable”. HUHHHHHH????? The logical part of my mind is like “You goddess, you queen. You golden treasurer, no man deserves you”. But the flip side is only human nature. Wanting to be desired is normal. Desire often leads to love which leads to procreation, and from an evolutionary perspective this isn’t unusual. But from a social perspective??? That is sickening. Another aspect to consider is the beauty industry. It is no secret that the beauty industry controls the beauty standards of the world, and that the beauty industry is rooted in fleeting, superficial things. Beauty standards literally change constantly. According to the beauty industry, my body type was in style a few years ago but now it’s out of season. HAHAHA. I should also say that I’m fairly thin, and my body has never been something that’s caused me to be bullied or ridiculed by the beauty industry. My insecurities are of course valid, but the worst I’ve gotten is the typical “Girl, you need to eat a potato!” or, “I can wrap my hand around your wrist!”. These are minor comments that have, of course, effected my body image, but not things that have greatly wounded me emotionally or socially. However, the beauty industry hates all of us to some degree. It all comes down to how insecure they can make us so that they can profit off our body image issues. They will sell us creams and powders and promote lifts and suctions. And for what? Of course, every person has the choice to do whatever they want with their body. And the choice to alter your appearance and play around with makeup and clothes is up to you and can be fun. But there’s no way in hell that I’m going to be chasing after the next standard, as if I’m clay and the beauty industry is the sculptor. If I leave my self esteem in their hands, they’ll scrape and chisel it away until I’m dust. So, body neutrality. Yes, I think my body is beautiful even when I don’t feel that it is. Because I know the standard of superficial beauty I have floating in my mind is ridiculous and not naturally possible. And I know that any insecurities that I have are a result of me not meeting that constructed standard. And so if the beauty standard is constructed, it’s literally not real (or at least isn’t relevant to my value). My legs are there to help me walk. My boobs are there to store MILK for a child I don’t even have. My face is just the place where my nose, eyes, and mouth are placed to help me breathe, smell, see, and taste. It’s whatever. Love it. I am beautiful because I exist. Period. Our bodies don’t need to fit a worldly standard of beauty to be loved, appreciated, and admired. Come on, it took billions of years for our species to even come in to existence. Our bodies are literally a project that was YEARS in the making. That’s spectacular. Beauty standards come and go, and our value stays consistent. So, I guess my conclusion is that I want my standard of beauty to be purer. I want it to come from a place of gratitude and acceptance and love. Yes, it feels really good to be desired. But every day is not a challenge to make other people accept you and validate your beauty. If it will make you feel confident to know you are hot, THEN BABY YOU ARE HOT. If it will make you feel confident to know that your body is in good health, take care of yourself to the best of your ability and be gentle with yourself. If it will make you feel confident to show some skin, wear that crop top luv. If you want to cover up, do it babe. Do whatever you want to, but for you and no one else. At the end of the day, our bodies are just vessels for our souls. Don’t let your spirit break because of insecurities projected on to you by the media. You are perfect, because you are you.

Love you all.

I don’t know who I am.

I love to write. I love films. I love the feeling when you make eye contact with someone and instead of them looking away they smile at you and then you both have a moment of laughter just between you both. I love lighting candles and incense and the smell of a freshly blown out match. I love the taste of warm pecan pie with vanilla ice cream on top. I love the Twilight movies. I love big cities. I love old TV shows. I love museums of all sorts and spending hours exploring galleries and artifacts. I love discussing politics. I love philosophy. I love challenging god. I love conversation about religion or the lack of it. I love dimly lit rooms. I love the smell of old Catholic churches. I love participating in class and asking questions. I love theater and watching people perform. I love cats. I love arts and crafts. I love learning about the planets. I love romance. I don’t like misogyny. I don’t like arrogance. I don't like when people talk over me. I don’t like swimming pools or waterparks. I don’t like mustard. I don’t like the sound of ambulances. I don’t like corners. I don’t like watching football. I don’t like the tools they use at the dentist. I don’t like shopping for long periods of time. I don’t like things made out of mesh. I don’t like the mild salsa at Chipotle. I don’t like American flags. I don’t like creamy mac and cheese. I don’t like forced interactions. I don't like breathing around cigarette smokers.

I know my likes and dislikes. But isn’t there more to me than that? I just hope that I’m someone who makes people feel good and comfortable. The best thing that I ever learned was that we are dynamic beings. We weren’t meant to fill personality quotas. We can be whoever we choose to be at any point in time. Having this much flexibility to create my own persona is both freeing and overwhelming. I can’t tell you who I am like I can’t tell you how many stars are in the sky. No person has the capacity to comprehend who I am in full, and I can’t do that for anyone either. The parts of me that will always remain silent and private are just as much a part of me as the things you can see and observe. So, maybe I can’t tell you who I am in full. But I can tell you which parts of me reflect the brightness in you.

on vulnerability

Like I’ve said before, vulnerability is something that holds great significance in my life. I feel most comfortable around people who can express themselves. I think expressing yourself is the most natural thing you could ever do. When did it become taboo to feel? I think back on my early stages of practicing vulnerability. Before I understood the power of honesty, I would often struggle in silence. Being passive aggressive felt like the only way to express when I felt hurt. I think when I had become so full of anger and anxiety to the point where I felt I could burst was when the vulnerability started to surface. I remember blurting out things that I had kept inside for a long time, to people I’d never expect to listen. The sweetest part of it all is that some of those people not only listened, but they cared. This exercise of honesty and conversation has made me who I am. I am someone who cries when any emotion at all swells up greatly within me. I am someone who tells people what I want them to hear. I am someone who creates a blog in the middle of the night to share my thoughts with anyone who may listen. I have practiced vulnerability so that I never have to perform. I love living freely, and I think there is already so much judgement in the world that the idea of holding it against myself all the time breaks my spirit. We can’t judge each other for our experiences and feelings. I found out that the thing stopping most people from being honest with themselves and others is the fear of embarrassment. Even though I don’t mind sharing my inner thoughts, sometimes I ponder how people have perceived them long after a conversation has ended. Did they really listen to what I was saying? Were they laughing at me? Do they think I’m stupid? So many questions with no answers. But this very sense of worry is what is so precious about honesty and vulnerability. When you express yourself and allow yourself to be real with people despite what they may think, it is an act of self love. Because your thoughts and feelings matter. Not everyone is meant to understand you. Not everyone will be interested in what you have to say, but some will. If you’re still reading this post, you are at least somewhat intrigued by my thoughts and ideas (thanks, I appreciate it). You do not have to be embarrassed for taking up space or using your words. I am taking the bullet for you! I now have a public blog where I am spontaneously posting my inner thoughts, and at some point I will probably say something completely shocking or seemingly out of line. And this is because I don’t want you to be afraid of blurting things out. What you have to say is so important. Conversation and connection is what we evolved to experience. It is only human to be vulnerable. Our bodies can grow to be so strong but are still so frail. No matter how much we can endure, we can be torn down by forces out of our control, because we are innately vulnerable. Let us appreciate this delicate nature of our humanity. Let us be gentle with ourselves and with others. You are free to be exactly as you are here and in your life. Would you like to practice? If you would not like to, that is perfectly lovely. Thank you for coming this far and allowing yourself to read the words of someone else with a listening heart. If you’re wanting to, here are some questions you can answer and send to me at lovelettersfrommyfriends@gmail.com (just use the contact tab!) :

1. What was today like for you?

2. What did you carry from yesterday in to today that you wish you could’ve left behind?

3. What is something you’re looking forward to?

4. Describe yourself in four words.

I can’t WAIT to hear from you. You are loved and cherished beyond words. Thank you for reading what’s on my mind.

a love letter for you

if you ended up here, i want to thank you with genuine gratitude. somehow, you learned about this space i occupy within the vast void that is the internet, and you’re here reading the thoughts that were once in my mind, that now exist here before your eyes. one thing that i find great comfort in is vulnerability. often, i like to take the leap of honesty when conversing with others, to allow that sense of safety. i hope you understand that you are safe here. a blog is great because it gives you a glimpse in to the inner thoughts of someone else, and you have the opportunity to quietly relate in the comfort of your own space, free of judgement. it’s a you and me thing <3. you are free to think any thought that appears in your mind, and i will never hear it. unless you’d like me to (which in that case you should email me because i would love to hear from you). what was today like for you? is there anything you’d like for someone to know? i’m here to share my thoughts, but also to listen.

love you.