love is freedom

Disclaimer: I usually don’t name drop on here (because this is MY diary duhhh), but for this special post, all the people I mention have given me their consent to use their real names. Where names are omitted, I didn't hear back in time and wanted to make sure everyone felt safe and respected. I still love them very much lol.

Content warning: Religious trauma

This past semester, I had kind of a rough go at it. I have never had to ask for as much grace than I have over the last few months. A lot more “Can I have more time?”, “Can we talk about this later?”, “Can I leave early? My head’s not in it”. These are all real ways I’ve had to ask for freedom within my life as I’ve processed grief, burn out, and self-reflection. I have never been challenged so often and so intensely. And what I’m experiencing, I believe, is the hard part growth. The dawn of a new phase, hopefully a joyful one. This very necessary step in learning to love myself and others in a way that is reflective of my values. As I find myself with these new tools and mindsets and opportunities to show myself how I’ve healed, I have pondered time and time again the true goodness that is found within elasticity and grace. The ability to be all encompassing, with all my shortcomings and potential simultaneously within me at all times. I have grown a deep appreciation for freedom, the space to just be with no expectations or restrictions. I have fallen in love with the feeling of freedom within my friendships and day to day interactions. The sensations that come with having and affirming my boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others. In that sweet spot of freedom is where I’ve done the most healing and produced the most grace for myself and others. I believe the most important thing I have learned from everything recently is this simple truth: Love is freedom. True love is the freedom to mess up, to be great, to say “No”, to say “Yes”, to be unsure. It’s a requirement for unconditional love, the opportunity for choice. The safe space to have needs and have them met. Freedom is what we are all entitled to, and should never limit in one another. I’ve spoken before countless times about unconditional love on here, but the bridge to that, I have learned, is the total acceptance and encouragement of freedom. I have been pondering these thoughts again and again for a few weeks.

I was specifically contemplating why it hurt so bad to experience things like rejection and loss. The grief that comes with those things sets you up to really reflect on how you can honor the choices and feelings of others. I was curious about what could come through my heart when I let myself sit with that. I have written (in a scattered fashion) in my notes app:

“the freedom piece”

“people should leave your life when they feel unhappy, and you are responsible for no one’s happiness. it is never personal, you love for as long as it makes you happy. and then remember that love is abundant and will always find you. it is not restricted to one person or one group of people or one thing or one concept. love is always, and happiness is something everyone deserves to have. want happiness for others and yourself. give people the freedom to find their happiness, and cherish those who find happiness in you, and you in them.

love to me is freedom. it’s, “i’m here with you, on purpose, by choice, and i’m bringing my whole self”.

I’ve had the opportunity over the last few months to study this, to reflect on it. And whatever is divine above has shown me a few things.

As you all may know, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my faith and old religious practices and its connection to my own personal freedom and the ways I felt unfree and the ways I made others feel the same while I was in the Church. I’ve been grieving, mourning, apologizing, rebuilding. I’ve been spending time with the beautiful people of WELCM (Winthrop Ecumenical Lutheran Campus Ministry (I am very much not Lutheran and continuously ponder my relationship with religion (more on that at another time), but randomly (serendipitously) have a very special relationship with these people)). But, let me give some context on how I even wound up in this campus ministry (among other things) and how they’ve been affirming my feelings about how love is freedom, by loving me unconditionally through this season of change.

I was scrolling on Instagram and saw a flyer for a meeting hosted by WELCM. It said, “Join us for our gathering tonight. Dinner in the Prayer Garden at 6, followed by a conversation on Healing Religious Trauma”. Bingo. I cancelled my plans for the night, I was going. I thought, “This is what I’ve needed all year”. About a year ago, I posted an article on here called “Embracing Agnosticism” (huge title for very fresh feelings, but very proud of myself for using the words that resonated with me at the time). A lot of those feelings are still true, some of them have changed. When I reread it I feel the freedom I gained from posting something I knew could disappoint people, but would bring me peace within my grief. There is nothing like losing your religion to keep yourself and maintain your values. Leaving was the ultimate test of this “God” I knew and their “unconditional love". Could I still be loved and respected even after saying “No”? Even after I couldn’t wear the title of “Catholic”? Even after denouncing the very thing I advocated for, for years? I must admit, I left a lot out of that post. I knew there were things I had experienced and absorbed that were not okay, but it was all very fresh for me. I didn’t want to speak badly about the Church or my friends or my old beliefs. I still didn’t feel free yet, and in some ways I still don’t. A lot went through my mind while I was writing that post. Would I be damned for leaving? Was I crazy? A disappointment? A sinner, too weak to maintain my religious responsibilities? Would there be understanding for my disbelief and anger? Would I have the freedom to leave, and the space to come back if I chose to? It was the ultimate question I had always had but was afraid to ask: Was my faith an embodiment of free will and boundless love, or something I was using to control and limit myself and others?

Since that post, I’ve been in this season where I’ve had my religious ideology completely uprooted (My friend (and campus minister), Olga-Maria, says that’s natural. Something about my prefrontal cortex, something about abstract ideas, something about religious trauma). If you’ve known me for a while you may know that I used to be a pretty devout Catholic. Like, converted on my own will. Wouldn’t ever miss mass. Had rosaries everywhere. Always talking, reading, thinking about God and how “Jesus came down to save us from sin and while he was here he established a church, the Catholic Church, of which I am apart of and which is the way to Heaven”. I did not embrace freedom ever. I knew I had free will but I knew there were dire consequences for making the wrong choices…so free will honestly felt irrelevant to me. The person I was within Catholicism did not know what unconditional love was and did not even value freedom. I would throw phrases around all the time like “God loves you unconditionally”, while mentally judging myself and others, feeling a pit in my stomach when I fell short of the standards I thought I had to adhere to, being afraid of damnation for myself and others. I confused the pursuit of perfection as “devotion”. I talked to a priest a long time ago and he said something along the lines of “People think living in sin is what freedom feels like. No, that’s what being a slave to sin feels like. People aren’t free when they sin, people are free when they can see how sin holds them hostage”. When I first left Catholicism, I had to completely reevaluate what “sin” even was. Was I holding shame for things that were completely normal? What had I been suppressing for all that time? What was true and what had been spiritual manipulation? I had no idea. For the first time in my life I had all this freedom and this new thing called “life experience”, and I was slowly putting down my fears of sin and damnation and failure to see what it felt like to feel whole. I wanted to embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I really wanted to see what would be left when I did. What parts of my life could offer me freedom? Surely, that’s where the love was.

So, I go to WELCM, and to my surprise my friend Crystal is there. I met Crystal in a drawing class, and we’d met for lunch and traded Catholic school war stories. I told her how I was still hesitant about going in churches and didn’t really know what I believed. I remember saying how I chose to convert on my own will and how that had kind of fucked me up. Crystal has been apart of WELCM for a while, but she never really mentioned it to me or urged me to come. I later found out this was because she didn’t want me to feel forced in to a campus ministry. She wanted me to have space, to not feel like I had to think or feel a certain way about religion while I was processing everything, she understood what that meant for me. And when I came on my own, she expressed how happy she was that I had come, on my own will. And while I was there, she made me feel so welcomed and validated. I went for healing and healing was waiting for me, with no expectations or judgments. I hadn’t ever really experienced that. My presence at WELCM was an embodiment of my own choices and feelings, and didn’t come about because of any outside pushes. Truly, I was so used to being pushed in to religious spaces and ideologies that this freedom felt especially sweet. Crystal tells me all the time, “You don’t have to be a certain way for me, or hide your feelings about anything. I’m not that type of friend”. Crystal embodies unconditional love, freedom. Thank you, Crystal. For showing me that I can bring my whole self to places I used to be afraid to even show my face in.

Now, at WELCM there’s a diverse range of people with one common goal: being. I am rather new to the group, but instantly felt resonance with everyone on that first night. These people around me, under these fairy lights in this garden behind this little white house next to this old church. They were all there with me, witnessing me trying to just be. After the year I’ve had, I came with all my armor on. I didn’t want to be converted in to another religion. I didn’t want to have to explain away my identity. I didn’t want to be given an opportunity for repentance. I didn’t want to hear sappy Hillsong music and have an “Ah-ha!” moment. I didn’t want a “Prodigal Son” or “lost sheep returns to the flock” moment. I didn’t want a come to Jesus celebration, I just wanted to be understood. So, I took a leap of trust. “I don’t really know how I feel about God or Jesus right now. I just know losing my religion feels like I divorced someone and now they’re seeing other people and those other people don’t know how screwed up my ex is. Like, I want to warn people but they look happy. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe I’m crazy for leaving. I still love him, but I can’t see him the same”. I laughed as this analogy fell out of my mouth. What was I saying? Skyler, you don’t know these people. This is a campus ministry. But, I looked around at these people and there was not a single look of disappointment or judgment. Just a lot of nods and smiles and laughs, even a few yeahs. What was this? Did I just confess to feeling grief about something I knew was best to let go of, with laughter? And was this okay? Olga Maria, in her goodness and assertiveness, tells us (and continues to tell me), “I have no agenda for you all”. She also says, “We don’t do that “Good Vibes Only” thing here. This space is safe, safe enough for us to bring our whole selves. Our bodies, our minds, our feelings. I’m sure in the past you were taught not to listen to your body and mind and feelings, to be out of your body so that you questioned nothing. Not here”. I think about that all the time. I was so desperate to find answers, of why I couldn’t accept my old religious ideologies anymore. I felt so lost and outcasted. I worried so often that me not having all of this figured out would make people mark me as “ex-Christian” and that all the assumptions around that would cover up my true intentions. I just wanted to love unconditionally, I just wanted freedom. I followed God and was lead out of my Church. And all of a sudden, I was here.

Before I decided to convert in to Catholicism, my friend (more like guardian angel/soul sister/role model/god parent) would go with me to any church I wanted. I told her one day that I wanted to take my faith seriously, that it was my responsibility to get to mass, to study the Bible outside of my Catholic school. I wanted to stop treating my faith like another thing I was studying and integrate it in to my lifestyle. Now, my friend (I still feel super cool that I get to call her that, star struck actually) is kind of the best person in the world, and took me under her wing when I was 14. She has seen me say and do some crazy stuff, but with no judgment. She’s always supported me in everything, while giving me advice to guide me through. She has always taught me how to trust myself, and to rebuke people who (to put it bluntly) try to fuck with my well being. That meant that when I came to her about my religious journey she was never going to stir me a certain way, but she would drop little hints to remind me of my power in moments where I would leave my body and mind to follow religious ideologies out of fear. She has always just wanted me to be happy, and to give me freedom. And also, she has always shown up for me. She was at mass, she was at the church, she was at my school. She was there watching and advocating, being a witness to something I didn’t even know I’d need to process later. She has protected me for as long as I’ve known her, and even in those days of my deep religious turmoil, she would always urge me to follow my intuition. I wasn’t doing much of that those days. We never had the religion talk, I just assumed she was a devout Christian (she’s not lol) because ever since I met her I would just go on and on about my faith or this sermon I heard or this church I visited blah blah blah. She would always just talk with me, meet me at church. Go with me to Bible studies. Come to my weird ass school events and ceremonies. She was even at my CONFIRMATION AND BAPTISM. Like, this woman sat in a Catholic Church on a Sunday night, watching me devote my life to the Church (and made sure to text me right after when the priest had made an insensitive remark during the sermon about the BLM protesting happening right outside the church building. She made sure that I didn’t push it down, how those remarks made me feel. She made sure that I didn’t let the emotions of joining the Church distract me from my values and boundaries. I didn’t realize it but that really kept me in my body and stopped me from suppressing another heartbreak in the Church. I left the Church months later when I finally let myself feel all of it). She endured the candles and incense and all. Never complained or judged me. She pondered all my religious questions with me. She would never tell me what to believe. She never had any agenda for me. She just knew that for whatever reason, Skyler was becoming Catholic and it was important to her (it was, in more ways than I could have predicted). It wasn’t until THIS past Summer that she finally told me, “Skyler, I’m not even religious. I was just supporting you”. She also says, “I knew you would find your way, and that you needed to see it for yourself. I know the kind of person that you’ve always been, and once you got to college that a lot was going to change for you. I wanted you to have the chance to learn and grow.” She also says, “You’ve been thinking about really big and complex things for a long time. Now, please, just think about how you like your coffee. Let’s think about what Skyler likes, who Skyler is. The small things that make you who you are, those are important, too”.

She was there when I converted, she was there through the grief, she was there through the exit. And she’s still here. I’ve never had to be anything other than Skyler, and she’s fought so hard to protect that in me. Through everything, she preserved “Skyler” by keeping me grounded. My little curiosities and huge meltdowns, have never been too small or too big. I’ve just always had the freedom to fuck up, and still have someone think I’m good and destined for good things. Someone who will say, “Screw those people, you’re great”. It’s meant the world and it’s been my saving grace.

The last example of love being freedom for me comes from my new friend, Courtney. Courtney and I met the second time I went to a WELCM gathering. Again, I was just saying stuff. “Why do we need churches? So many churches are corrupt and end up hurting people, why is the standard for communities like ours the embodiment of an institution?”. Y’all, I’m really pushing myself at this point. I’m telling myself, “Don’t be afraid to say the wrong thing. No one is offended by your curiosity or your anger. You are safe enough to have these thoughts and to say them. We can do something with this church hurt, but first we have to let out the hurt”. Courtney says calmly with all the grace in the world, “We are the church. Wherever you go, you are an embodiment of the church. It’s not the building or the institution, those things will go away. It’s about us”. Well, at this point I’m thinking, “I can’t be the Church. I left the Church, and I don’t even believe in this shit anymore”. I let myself think, and really observed what was going on in my body. A new trick I’ve been practicing.

My intuition wakes up, she’s saying “You don’t have to go back to the Church. You don’t have to ignore your anger. You don’t have to have all the words. You are churching. You are sitting with people talking about divine things, and saying what is on your heart. Perhaps there is church inside of you, and perhaps it does not look like a building or a religion or a Catechism. You are scared because you have freedom. We can put that fear down now”.

New words come to me. I am the church? I am the church. Maybe, I am here as a testament to the “unconditional love” people were always talking about. Me, people like me. We’re proof that there is still purpose and divinity outside of the Church, outside of the institutions. If my anger and my questions and my freedom to leave the Church are to serve any purpose, it is to be an example that without freedom there is no love, and without love there is no point. I followed where love lead, and I am always free to do that. Take it from me, on the other side of fear is the safety net of unconditional love. It may not be found in your church or your school or your home or your family or your job or your religion. But it’s out there in the world, just waiting for you with arms wide open. If you feel afraid to leave something that is hurting you, know that the feelings telling you that you deserve better don’t lie. You are allowed to want freedom, your soul deserves it. When I exercise my freedom, I can expand and break open limiting spaces and make room for the unconditional love I’ve always deserved and wanted for people, wherever I go. That is “church” to me. Hallelujah.

I say all this to encourage you to take freedom when you find it. And to express how important it is to protect that in others. That’s how I got my life back, trusting that freedom was mine to have, and having people who loved me through each stage of realizing it. And I want that so badly for anyone who desires it.

Freedom exists in the little things. Let’s give each other the freedom to bring our whole selves in to the world. To mess up, to be great, to deconstruct, to rebuild. That is the point of life. We can’t rob each other of our lives, we dehumanize each other when we make our restrictions and expectations the standard for everyone we encounter. We have to let each other learn, and love each other through it. Give grace when people are late, their time on Earth is their own. Give grace when they take a while to text back, we are not prisoners to each other. Give the benefit of the doubt when there’s a misunderstanding, people are allowed to mess up and so are you. Let people come and go, everyone deserves peace within the company that they keep. Instead of wishing I was a certain way, and expecting others to adhere to an unfair standard in my head… I’ve adopted a simpler mindset: Love is freedom.

I love you, be free. I’d want the same for me.