you will never be too much for me

I’ll be honest, I am in a bit of a funk. Not a bit, a whole bite. When I think of my inner dialogue in times like these, I have a voice inside that says “It’s not that bad, keep it to yourself and it will go away”. And so, I usually listen. The issue with this is that I trained my mind to feed itself with the same venom that makes it sick. It is a toxic drug, invalidation. Whenever someone comes to me with a problem, I never say to them, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing, just let it go”. But I easily say it to myself. Well, I’m quite tired of this. I don’t think this habit of shoving toxic positivity through my subconscious mind is fair. When you use toxic positivity to deal with difficult emotions, it’s like turning on your headlights in the middle of the day while the sun is out. It isn’t helpful and feels almost silly. Positivity is not the remedy to our problems, it is a state of mind often inaccessible when you are in distress. I am learning to stop seeing positivity as a destination to reach when I am feeling low. The goal of healing isn’t happiness, it is survival. Positivity can be a privilege. I don’t think we say that enough. To see the world through rose colored glasses is to reject reality. And to reject reality is to reject the human experience. If we cannot appreciate the whole human experience, the good and the bad, then we cannot appreciate others (or ourselves) for their complexities. For anyone who needs to hear it, you do not need to be happy in order to be loved. When offering support, the goal isn’t to eliminate the negative aspects of someone’s situation, it is to understand what they are experiencing. Through understanding, we can be compassionate (empathetic even).

I learned that when babies and toddlers cry and get upset, it is helpful to get on their level. Have you ever seen a parent mimic their baby while they are throwing a tantrum, and watched the baby stop crying and start laughing at the sight of their parent doing the exact same thing as them? Often when I encounter a child that is upset, my first instinct is to want to make it all better. But what is more effective is to feel with them. Let’s say we are upset because our crayon broke. Alright, this sucks. We loved that crayon, I am upset that this crayon broke because I know you really like it and it will probably be harder to use now that it’s broken. We are so upset about this crayon. “That’s terrible, this was a good crayon. I wonder if we can still use it even though it’s broken”. Usually there will still be tears before they are able to calm down. And I’ve learned that this is okay. The goal is to understand, and then to solve. With toxic positivity, we skip the understanding and go straight for solutions. I think we do this because we assume that whatever we are dealing with is not significant enough to deal with. But as my beloved Mr. Rogers once said, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know we are not alone”. Gosh, I just love him. I think about that quote so often, and it helps me to name my emotions, validate them, and then start working towards solutions. I try to apply this to others as well. I validate the feelings, ask questions, sit with the feelings, and then wait to see when it’s time to create solutions with them. It works like a charm, so why not apply this to myself? So, if you struggle with this let’s learn together. I have gotten pretty good at the first step, validating. “This does not feel good, and I am sad. It’s okay that I feel this way”. The next part is where it gets a little difficult. Asking questions. I start to cross examine myself, and this quickly becomes overwhelming and almost invalidating. “Why do you feel this way? Are we sure this is really happening? Maybe this isn’t a big deal, right?”. When talking to others, the questions are more like “Why do you feel this way? How long have you felt this way? Did someone or something trigger these feelings? Do you want to talk about it or do you just want me to know?”. These are the questions that make people feel safe enough to start creating solutions, but again, that isn’t the ultimate goal. It is a great feeling to solve a difficult emotion, but I think validation and asking questions is the most significant part of healing yourself and supporting others because it is the best way to honor our humanity.

This is why it is so important to understand that you are never too much. It is the most human thing in the world to experience emotions. We evolved to be highly intelligent and complex thinkers. Our species has survived because we evolved to think critically and conceptually. Let’s not minimize our humanity when emotions come up. I am a strong believer that we are not meant to go through life alone. I’m all for independence, I’m an introvert, I like to be alone. But, humans don’t do well in isolation. The quarantine confirmed that. Life is too difficult to go at it alone. You don’t have to. What can be hard is struggling to open up. As much as I wear my heart on my sleeve and love to have open conversations with people, I really struggle to express when I am upset or in distress. I am always convinced no one will understand, or that I will be forced to abandon my feelings for the sake of someone else’s comfort. The truth is, if the people in your life can’t make space for your humanity, then they don’t see you as their equal. I know that I am a human being with lots of emotions, I cry a lot, I write in paragraphs when I respond to texts, I pour my heart out when I love someone. And this is not unique. I know I should allow space for others to do the same. I am not abnormal for being emotional and needing deep connection. I learned that I cannot expect people to love me exactly how I love them, but I absolutely can expect to be treated like a human being. This means, being supported through all my complexities. I have 100% had to cut off people that did not honor my humanity, who made me feel like I was too much. Especially the summer of 2020 (if you know you know, and you should know). If no one has told you, you will never be too much for the right person (or people). I think my fear of opening up with some of my more complex feelings is rooted in the idea that if I act too much like myself, it will be off putting, and it will hurt to know that people don’t like me for who I am. That comes from attaching my worth to how I am perceived, and I am telling you (and myself), that you can stop doing this. You are so worth being validated. You are so worth being supported. You are so amazing, every part of you. I PRAY for the chance to know someone deeply, to learn the parts of them that they dislike, to understand how all the pieces that make them who they are connect. It is apart of acceptance. As Katy Perry says in one of the best songs ever that you literally should know so I'm not even putting the title, “Acceptance is the key to be truly free. Will you do the same for me?”. I hold back tears almost every time. It’s always what I need to hear. Radical acceptance is the key to loving yourself and loving others.

I accept you for all you have been, all you are, and all you have the potential to be. I am not afraid or turned off by your feelings, because they are a part of you, and I love you. I do not need you to be perfect in order for me to love you to the best of my abilities. You are human, and I honor you.

This is how I feel about each of you, and this is how I will start feeling about myself.

I may still be in my funk (I am writing this from bed). I still may cry and I still may sulk, but what is important is that I am alive. As long as you and I are alive, the only thing we owe to each other is the space to be human.

I love you all.