how much do you really love yourself?

Hi, everyone! It has been a long while since I’ve posted anything on here. I’ve thought about deleting this whole site over the last couple months just because I’ve felt bad for not being as consistent with it as I would like. But then I remembered, I can do what I want! I am glad to have this outlet of expression at my disposal and I look forward to sharing my thoughts, and it’s okay to keep certain lessons in my head because they are valid even if I don’t share them. I am happy with all I put in to this blog when I can, and I love that about myself. What a perfect transition in to what I would like to bring forward today! Today I would like you to consider all the ways that you show up for yourself. We have all witnessed the self love movement take its place in society, and I think it has been beneficial in the way that it gives us all a reason to slow down and show appreciation for ourselves. I think that is wonderful, but one of my favorite things about cultivating self love is how it shows up in my relationships with others. It’s very ironic, but self love is not only about our relationship with ourselves. In a lot of ways it is, but what is important to give attention to is how we show up for ourselves when we deal with others. This practice of showing up for myself is easy to do when I am alone, but the challenge of sticking to my boundaries and communicating my needs has been a less glamorous part of self love that I’ve had to master. When caring for myself, I have to remember that I am advocating for all of the parts that make me who I am. I am living for my inner child, my current self, my future self, my ancestors, my descendants. I want to carry every part of myself with love. I know that my inner child is afraid of being unheard because people silenced her, so I speak my mind whenever I feel like it. I know that my current self has anxiety, and so I look for peace where I can and create space for quiet and serenity. I know that my ancestors were mistreated, and so I do not tolerate mistreatment. I know that my future self will be happiest surrounded by love and abundance, so I only accept relationships that feel steadfast and loving and I make decisions that will give me opportunities to be happy and limitless. I know that any future descendants I have will be connected to me, and they will be able to look back on to me for guidance, and so I seek as much wisdom as I can so that they may inherit it, because I already love them. That is a whole lot of love. Juggling that can be hard in relationships. I have so many standards and boundaries in place to take care of all of the parts of me. I can't allow people to disrespect me, because no part of me deserves disrespect. I can’t tolerate being yelled at, because there is a child in me who is afraid of that. I can’t adjust my boundaries, because my ancestors fought for me to use my voice to advocate for my needs. I absolutely cannot allow anyone in my life to stay who makes me feel that I must hide who I am for their benefit. I am a soul full of light, and that light can be diminished by people filled with darkness, who intend to drain me of my energy then leave me for dead. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. How much do you love who you’ve been, who you are, and who you have the potential to be? I know that there is a part of you that feels uncomfortable when you are mistreated. Do not place the burden of processing the unfair actions of others on to your inner child, your ancestors, or yourself. This life is for you to learn to love. Love yourself enough to only accept love.

What is your reaction when people don’t love you how you deserve? Mine used to be very unfair to me. I would brush it aside when I felt disrespected. I would accept apologies that I did not feel were enough. I would maintain relationships that always made me feel unheard and drained. I would assume that I could carry the weight of others because my role in every relationship was to be the healer. I would tell myself, “You have the energy to deal with this and they don’t. The least you could do is help them out”. I told myself this when I was dealing with some of the hardest things in my life. I would continuously gaslight myself in to believing that my feelings did not matter as much as other people’s. And I thought good of myself for it. I think I was so obsessed with wanting to be a good person, that I treated myself like shit. I took all the punches. I became so used to doing what I thought “good people” do that I became bitter. I always felt used. I could no longer give without keeping tabs. I couldn't have conversations without blurting out harsh things. I was a ball of hatred. This triggered a huge identity crisis. If I wasn’t the nice person everyone could go to, who was I? What was there to love if no one could validate my existence? Oh, boy. Looking back, past Skyler needed a hug. And she needed to be reminded that life is not about being good or bad. Life is about growing and loving. And sometimes loving does not look polite. Sometimes loving does not allow people you care about to stay in your life. Sometimes loving is saying “no”. Sometimes loving is hurting someone’s feelings. Loving is not checking off boxes, loving is meeting needs. When I realized that my past of loving out of spite was ruining me, I had to take a step back. Loving used to be about control. If I do this, they will do that. If I show up for them, maybe they will show up for me. I learned to love myself when I realized I could not control how others love me. No matter how much you give, you may still end up empty. Assume that no one is obligated to fill your cup. People will, but that is not the point of your life. You will attract loving individuals who take care of you when you start loving yourself in a way that only accepts love. I noticed when I cut off relationships that were meaningful, but did not feel loving, that I had a fear of loneliness. Perhaps my past self was always afraid of being left alone, so much that she kept people around to avoid it. But in my pursuit of loving myself, I learned that being alone was more respectful to myself, than being surrounded by people I did not feel loved by. And in this pause of loneliness, came the best love I have ever experienced. My friends now are the people I have always deserved. I would not have them if I did not take the leap of loving myself. I promise you, you attract who you are. Let go of anyone or anything that you know is not of love. We all know the quote, “You accept the love that you think you deserve”. The longer you accept the worst, the longer it will take for better to come. Let go, create space. Love is coming. The amazing people in my life are beautiful reminders of the importance of loving purely, but it is important to know that it was not their presence that ultimately validated me. My journey towards radical self love showed me that even when I make mistakes, even when I ruin things, even when I am caught in toxic cycles, I am still a vessel of love. That is my power. Love cannot leave me, and love is always running towards me. How much do I love myself? Enough to know I deserve the best even when I am at my worst. You cannot earn love, for it is your inheritance. I am valid because I am human. It is only human that I give love and receive it.

It starts from within, my angels. Stand up for yourself. Make strong boundaries. Let go of your limiting beliefs. Leave spaces where you are not celebrated. You are not hard to love.

To my friends near and far, you all remind me every day that loving is easy. Thank you for letting me love you.