the equation that cured my depression
I have returned from my hiatus. I was on maternity leave, taking care of my baby. Me, I am the baby. I was taking care of myself. Having tantrums, crying when I want something, and not thinking critically.
Now that I am back I want to catch you guys up on where I’m at right now. Now I know I’ve said some rather depressing shit on here, but y'all… I’m happy????? I found my bliss??? My high levels of anxiety have decimated???? I promise, I am still the girl you know and love. I’m just a million times more stable, therefore a million times more sexy.
This past semester was horrid. So many tearful days, so much anxiety, so little hope. So the juxtaposition of then versus how I feel now is magical to me. Well, it was. I have broken it down to a simple science. I want to explain what changed. I’m going to do something you’d never think I would: I’m going to explain a math formula to you. I am calling this the stability equation:
what I want + what I have to do
_________________________ = stability
what is functional
I need you STEM girlies to let it ride.
A lot of mental turmoil is due to circumstance. It has to do with where you’re living, what food you have available to you, who you happen to be around, and a lot of other moving parts. My depression developed as a reaction to my circumstances combined with a rusted tool box of coping strategies that I obtained through surviving a series of awful experiences and events. There are likely some biological or genetic connections I could make as well, but nonetheless, they are circumstantial. I, like you, am a collection of all my experiences, failures, and victories. All of these factors exist upon a foundation that is, as stated, circumstantial. What do we do when it feels like we’re stuck exactly where we don’t want to be? Huzzah! At last comes the equation.
What I want, plus what I have to do, divided by what is most functional for my life equals stability.
What I Want
What I want to do? What I want my life to look like? What kinds of people I want in my life? What kinds of foods do I want to eat?What kind of income do I want to make? What kind of choices do I want to be making?
What I Have to Do
What is nonnegotiable right now? What responsibilities are mine to carry? What bills do I have to pay? What appointments do I have to attend? What deadlines do I have to meet? What conversations do I have to have? What kind of choices do I have to make?
What is functional?
What feels good? What works right now? What can I afford to do? What is meaningful in this moment?
Okay, okay so let’s plug it in the equation. Here’s an example:
I want to have loving friendships + I have to eat three meals a day
_________________________
I can eat meals with my friends and catch up
= I am making time for my friends and eating enough throughout the day
You can never walk away from a formula without checking your work! So we retrace our steps:
Is having loving friendships something I really want? Yes!
Is eating enough throughout the day something that has to be done? Yes!
Is it functional to schedule lunch with a friend or maybe meet up for dinner with a group? My schedule allows that, yes!
But let’s try another one where the math doesn’t quite add up:
I want to make all As this semester + I have to spend all my time studying
_________________________
I won’t go to any social events this week and spend that time studying
= I can achieve the grades I want if I sacrifice my social life
Let’s check our work:
Do I want to make all As this semester? Yes, it’s an academic goal!
Is spending all my time studying studying something I have to do? No, not really. I could probably achieve the grades I want if I study consistently, but at scheduled times.
Is it functional to skip all social events I was planning on attending this week? Not exactly. When I spend too much time alone I feel depressed.
This scenario doesn’t seem like it concludes with stability. However it does provide shame, unrealistic expectations, and damaged mental health.
When we use a scale of functionality to decide what we want and need to do, we can cancel out the elements of our lives that don’t serve us.
To divide means to separate in to parts. Divide what you want to do by what you can do and let the rest take a back seat. Divide what you have to do by what best serves you and watch as you regain the stability that you so genuinely deserve. Break your circumstances down in to parts, and use the sword of functionality to slice out whatever isn’t working. When you divide what’s functional by what you want and what you need, what is left? What changes? What stays the same?
Yes, you do need to consider what you have to do when trying to accomplish what you want. That’s why they’re added together in the equation. But when we look back at all of our work, can we say with integrity that it feels good or serves our highest good?
Your life is important. The choices you make are important. Your circumstances are important. It boils down to a simple science: your desires and obligations are mixed together and prioritized by the choices you make.
There are a lot of different ways depression and anxiety manifest in our lives. The thought of challenging those big forces felt like something I could never do. But when I looked at things bit by bit, cancelling out the things that weren't working, my circumstances changed.
I want to feel good and I need to rest. When I divide, or seperate those elements in to parts, using the lens of functionality I see more clearly what steps I must take to achieve stability in those areas of life. It is functional to both tend to my basic human desires and needs.
When my circumstances felt permanent and there was no way out, I had to uproot a lot of shit. Once I noticed the pattern of cutting out what wasn’t functional was starting to make my life feel better, I realized I was greater than the circumstances I felt plagued by. As my friend Olga Maria says, “You are not the clouds, you are the whole sky”.
If you feel like you have no choice right now but to endure the worst of the worst, that might mean there are actually millions of little choices shimmering like gems beneath the dirt. Let functionally be the shovel you use to get past all the weeds. One thing about circumstances is that they are all circumstantial. Lol. You deserve to make choices that give you stability, even if that means cutting some things out. You are the constant.
That’s all I got. I love you!